How to make friends as a adult?

[deathbychocolate]

So my boyfriend broke up with me on monday night. And I now find myself with absolutely no friends. I haven't even told anyone we broke up because I don't have anyone to tell. People just ... well they fall away and I'm not very good at keeping in touch with them.

Is it possible to make meaningful friendships as an adult? And how do you do it if you don't even have a starting point?

[MandieV]

Sorry for the break up. Hopefully it is for the better.

I think it is very possible to make meaningful friendships as an adult. I think I have better friends as an adult than I did when I was younger. The best friends that I have made have been from being involved in groups that have the same values and passions/interests as I do. For me it was university orchestras and church/religion classes. It takes me a long time before I open up and let people in though. It took me over a year before I made any real friends in the orchestra and probably 2 years before I made any friends through church. I also had to take some initiative and invite people to do stuff and am learning to invite myself-or at least remind my friends not to forget me. I have a hard time trusting people and believing that they really are my friends. I am fortunate enough to have a friend that I can be completely honest with about my ED and BPD. She doesn't completely understand the issues but she doesn't judge me or let it get in the way of our friendship. She will even make accommodations for me so that I am not miserable because of food. She just simply asks what I would be comfortable doing/eating. Sorry for the unimportant details but the point is that it is possible. It takes time and effort. Figure out what you like to do and find a way to meet other people that like that stuff. If you like dancing, go to a dance club. If you like reading go to the library or a book store and find someone you could feel comfortable approaching. Find creative ways to start conversations. One nice thing is that if you can become friends with someone that already has a group of friends, you may end up with lots of friends because of that one person.

[chiquepea]

Definitely agree with the above. Joining clubs and groups is a great way to meet new people. I know I'd feel uncomfortable going up to strangers in a coffee shop or something and making conversation. It's a lot easier to start conversations with someone when you're doing the same activity - like why so many people's group of friends are from work etc. If money's tight maybe you could consider doing something like volunteering?

[daisychainsaw]

I started going to a support group for people with Bipolar Disorder and have made several wonderful friends. I guess the fact that we're all equally nuts makes it easier for us to be ourselves with each other. There's no shame.
Volunteer work or taking a local class might also be good. I've taken a few single day art classes and while I didn't really make any friends, I did get to socialize a bit and hang out.

[MacGuffin]

It's totally possible. I agree with most of what has already been said, but I think a tweak in the approach could be beneficial.

Anybody who is trying to make friends or meet a guy/girl is told "Volunteer!". While that's all well and good, if you're showing up to build homes for the homeless but you're only there to make social contacts - you may not enjoy it enough to stick it out & really connect with people. So what I suggest is finding something you truly like doing in either class form or volunteer form: If you love animals, try a local animal shelter. If you like working with kids, volunteer at a pre-school or daycare. As far as classes, again - do something you like. If you're interested in learning Russian, take a class. If you want to learn how to knit or sew, take a class.

The key is finding something you enjoy doing, and allowing yourself to make friends in that way. This would be more effective than showing up somewhere with the sole purpose of making friends, and putting the activity/class as a secondary thing.

[fruit-loop]

The key is finding something you enjoy doing, and allowing yourself to make friends in that way. This would be more effective than showing up somewhere with the sole purpose of making friends, and putting the activity/class as a secondary thing.

^^^ Exactly this. Great advice on this thread

Deathbychoc - I'm sorry you're going through this. Sending you ((((((((((big hugs)))))))))))) & just wanted to say from personal experience, you WILL get through this & make some AWESOME new friends!
My ex & I split nearly 2 yrs ago (after 8 yrs... my whole 'adult' life) & I didn't see how (or even really 'want to') to 'go on' (with life). The friends I've made in this 2yr period have been absolutely crucial & I now find it hard to remember that I've actually only known them for a relatively short period of time.
I know it's RL friends you're after, but don't be shy about reaching out to people online too

[deathbychocolate]

Thanks for all your advice. I hope I can put some of it into action because my life is totally non existant and I am still gobsmacked at how completely shit my relationship has just ended. There was a WHOLE week long shitstorm after I posted this but I think I'm finally at the point of being ready to let go of the possibility of us being together again. It's taken a lot to get here.

I guess I'm just downhearted because I don't even have someone who I could call to invite to go join a class with me or something. I'm so bad at approaching people and I'm just really really scared right now. I got myself sorted for somewhere new to live this evening so I'm proud of that and I guess I'm just going to have to make a real effort if I want things to change..

[turquoisegirl]

I agree with finding something you're interested in and joining a club or group or taking a class.

I moved last year and found myself in a new province where I new no one. I forced myself to join a couple clubs/groups by myself, even though I was terrified, and I'm really proud of myself for putting myself out there like that. I really would have rather sat home by myself, but I made myself go out. Super hard and really lonely at the time, but the payoff is worth it!

[deathbychocolate]

Went to an ed group this eve really damn assed proud of myself that I did it. Proud of myself for a lot of things this week actually so I hope I can hold onto this .... well positivity is a bit of a stretch. But this newfound wantingness/needingness to try or something I dunno what I'm trying to say I'm exhausted!

[MacGuffin]

Good for you! These tiny steps always add up to something great. What's even better is that you are proud of yourself.