Introductions. Relapse. Massive trigger warning.

[OpheliaFey]

Greetings.

I have suffered with anorexia and bulimia on and off since I was 13. I am now 21 years old and recently relapsed after two years of relative health in my relationship with food.

It was astonishing how quickly I changed. It was a picture of myself that I saw, or something... I looked at myself and saw a girl with a disgusting face, fat thighs, and masculine arms. I felt like a monster. I couldn't take it anymore. Something snapped inside me and I stopped eating completely. I've lost 20 pounds since two weeks ago and haven't stopped.

My new boyfriend, with whom I am in love quite deeply, is beginning to notice something is wrong. He said that he notices that I never eat. Ever. This conversation took place after I ate a little of my ribs with potato and greens salad, then went to the washroom to purge everything. I kept trying to convince myself that it was healthy to eat just a little, just to keep this one meal down.

Didn't f***ing happen.

He caught me days earlier purging in the washroom of a restaurant in which I had eaten a plain salad. He came to the door to check on me, make sure I hadn't fainted. I told him that I was having trouble keeping my food down after eating due to nausea and some kind of indigestion. He believed me and I feel terrible for lying... but I have to.

I'm finding it difficult to keep this a secret when everybody is noticing the weight loss and catching on to the fact that I never eat anything. On top of that, my therapist is away for three weeks and I have no idea how to cope without her support. She knows that I relapsed.

I have no idea what to do. New relationship. Parents are emotionally and verbally abusive. School is starting soon. And the immense pressure of keeping this relapse a secret is beginning to take its toll.

Anyway, thank you for reading, I've never accessed support for those with ED's, so this is really a wonderful opportunity...

Edit: I'm barely in the healthy weight range. I acknowledge that I am not medically overweight.

[MacGuffin]

Sorry to hear you're having such a hard time. While you have enough self-awareness to acknowledge that you're relapsing - why not try to take some proactive steps towards fighting, rather than simply accepting it. You have a good relationship and school that you need to be healthy for (even if you don't want to be healthy for yourself).

I know it's not the same, but maybe consider talking to another therapist until yours returns. The truth is, you KNOW what to do, but you aren't allowing yourself to do it.