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Thread: I can't even title this
I can't even title this
I don't know what's going in my life. I really don't. I've been working out almost every day, so I think that's keeping the depression at bay, but it sneaks into my life out of nowhere. I'll be sitting at my desk at work and break into tears. I'll have to literally go to the bathroom and cry. I couldn't bring myself to go to a symphony the other day I've been wanting to see for *weeks* because I just wanted to sleep. I'm crying now. Shit.
Well, that answers it. I'm depressed and supremely unhappy and I feel stuck and hopeless. I guess I was in denial... because after writing that short blurb I started sobbing. My life is filled with fucking paranoia and depression and anxiety and these damn delusions and it's taking over. I'm not my own person anymore. And, the worst part is, it's not at its worst. I know it's only going to get worse. And I'll be at the mercy of it. My depersonalization keeps me from being able to fully utilize therapy: I think it's fun to pretend to be perfect when talking to other people, so I can never truly speak about my problems. I mean, *I* don't think it's fun. That thing inside me thinks it's fun. Sometimes it will spend hours, days, weeks pretending to be something it's just not, and I have to play along. And I hate it.
I just want my life back. It's been ten years since I had it back. And I just do...
I definitely know how you feel. It is really hard watching yourself pretend to be great, when all you want to do is scream for help. It becomes instinct to lie to people and tell them that you are fine, when you really feel like you're falling apart at the seams. That is what I think I hate the most, automatically lying to friends and relatives, people who truly want to help. And in the process of lying to them, not getting the help you know you desperately need.
I'm sorry you are going through a particularly rough patch. Hope it gets better <3 And you are definitely not alone in feeling like this.Perfection is a dream. I have that dream everytime I lay down at night.