3 to 6 weeks omfg!!

[Girlinterruptedallthetime]

Recovery is starting to slip out of my mind right now. I feel like i have been waiting far too long to get into PHP and every time I ask when I might be able to start it seems like I just get told I have more time to wait. I just want help before I change my mind. And it's just so unfair how other people get to stay in PHP/IOP for longer times then what they should be able to stay in it. Now let me make something clear.... I am waiting for a scholarship spot and these spots are for set amounts of times and you don't get more time no matter what but it seems like they changed the rules for one client as they have been in the program for 2x the amount of time that is allowed. Now I get that treatment is different for everyone but when it comes to the scholarship spots it doesn't matter if you need more time when it is up it is up. I know how the system works as I have been in IOP once on scholarship. But it seems like they are playing favorites to this one person and it isn't fair. I am not the only one who has seen this and feels this way. It just really pisses me off.

Anyways I got told today that I could start PHP in 3 to 6 weeks. I am just getting sick of being told I still have so much time to wait. I just want to get started already as my symptom use has gone up a shit ton. I want to get better. I want to stop feeling like I am fighting alone everyday. I want to have the support I really need right now.

It's also been hard because I have been dealing with a bunch of shitty stuff the last two weeks..... Almost losing my medical insurance.... Still waiting to figure out of I have lost it for good. And then L&I saying they are closing my case and that I can go back to my job.......... HELLO!!! I can't lift the required amount of weight so how the fuck can I go back to my job??? This all is making me so depressed and even a little suicidal. I am not going to kill myself but I won't lie and say I am not not thinking about it.

I just want something..... Anything..... To go my way for once...... Is that too much to ask for???

[Girlinterruptedallthetime]

Nope nothing can go my way.... Just got told it looks like MAYBE I can start August 20th. FML I am so sick of wait and my ED voice is so loud that I have been listening to it and following what it wants me to do and I am even in a lister mood because of it because I am not having to fight all day long.

I know it's not what I really want but I need to get through till August 20th and then I can't try and fight harder.

I know, I know, I know most people on here would say I should try and keep fighting but I have been fighting for the past year now (that's when I reached out for help and really wanted to try and recover) but I am so tired of fighting and it hasn't been helping much so why not try something different?!?!

Sure going back to not eating that much isn't a good thing but in a way it is because the ED voice isn't yelling at me now. I am so sick of having a fight go on in my head that I need a break. I don't want to end up in a fucking mental hospital again so I will do what I need to to stay safe and not go off the deep end.

I hope that maybe after a week I will be able to see how stupid and dumb this is and try and fight again all on my own but until then I will do what I can to be in a slightly better mood.

To each there own.

I am in no way saying I have given up on recovery at all I just need a break right now before I fucking go crazy.

[weightlessrunner]

Fighting is exhausting. Sometimes we just need a break. It is so tempting to just give in because it would just make shit a whole lot easier. However, that's a temporary solution. When you're ready to fight again, the battle is much bigger. Stick with it as exhausting as it may be because hard work pays off.