Purged again after being free for months... [TW]

[Ladyluck_]

I am starting to realise that I will never recover this never really leaves me free. I don't remember how my life was like before this caught me, and now, after haven't purged for months (because the last time I tried I suffered A LOT and got nothing out) I did it and unfortunately I took everything out, so I will most likely do it again...

I am scared because I am moving to the UK in September, I will have no close friends nor family nor anyone who knows that I have an eating disorder. I will be free to do whatever I want with food. Is there anything I can do to control myself? I don't want to come back home after one year weighing 40 less because that would break my parents apart and I'll have to quit university for sure. I don't want to fall again. I want to be free.

[dancingonmyhands]

Get a therapist as soon as you get over there. I moved across the US to the East Coast and I promised my dad I'd see a shrink so I wouldn't be all alone with no one aware of my ED. It took me over a month to make the phone call but I finally did it. Whether or not you are ready to "recover", a therapist can help hold you accountable, talk to you about options and resources, and just give you one person to share the burden with. I was afraid that I would instantly "recover" and get fat but the truth is, they can't make you do anything.

[LittleFoot]

Recovery is not linear...it's not like school where you go to 1st grade, then 2nd, then 3rd etc etc etc. You go to 1st grade, then 2nd, then maybe you go back to 1st....then you jump up to 5th, but at some point are back at 1st again...it doesn't just get better over time and it sticks...there will always be ups and downs, it doesn't mean you won't ever recover. Recovery is not a destination, no one ever reaches full "recovery" ie they live like they never have had an ED, but you can still in a much better place making progress.

[Light]

Like LittleFoot said, this is not something that you'll wake up one day and never ever purge again.

You will always have to watch yourself.
Now that you've already been bulimic, you will have to make the decision everytime the urges comes, "yes" or "no" to this hell?

Each time you say "No" is a victory.
You've been saying "No" for the past months, don't you think you deserve a little more confidence? You've been so strong!!!

[weightlessrunner]

Recovery is a process not a destination. You'll have ups and downs. The light will be brighter on some days and others you'll fail to see it but it's there. Overcoming the obstacles, picking yourself back up and continuing to move ahead is what makes you stronger.

[Bathory]

Recovery is a process not a destination. You'll have ups and downs. The light will be brighter on some days and others you'll fail to see it but it's there. Overcoming the obstacles, picking yourself back up and continuing to move ahead is what makes you stronger.

^ This! Well said