Maybe it doesn't get better

[kallista93]

Hey everyone,

I'm probably one of the older members of this site, at 38, & it's been nearly a year since I've been a regular contributor, so maybe don't mind me.

I'm 38, I'm a mom, I'm an adult aspie with OCD & bulimirexia, & I'm a fucking mess. I'm going back to school right now to get my degree & master's in psychology of all things, & I haven't been on in a while because I'm just so ashamed. I wish I could tell all of you that it gets better & one day you will be able to just eat like a normal person & realize how wonderful you are, etc., but I cannot. I feel like I am still in the same place I ever was when I was twelve years old - I hate this life, I hate this body, I hate that I can't deal.

I'm really in a bad place right now because I've been romantically rejected (again). I don't know if any of you have ever heard of Abraham Maslow's pyramid of needs, but the second foundation of the pyramid, right above basic survival, is love & belonging, & that is something I do not have, & I have no idea how to get it.

I watched a Ted Talk by a psychologist all about allowing yourself to be vulnerable & believing that you are worthy of love & belonging, I try to tell myself this every day but it doesn't work, it only makes me feel worse. I really don't think I'm worthy, & the world pretty much reinforces this belief.

So...yeah. I don't even know what this post is about other then I'm back & I need support & belonging, even if it's only with cyber people.

-Kal

[KoH.]

Hi Kal,

First of all, i think you're pretty incredible to be tackling your studies amongst parenting. With OCD and your ED on top, that's hard work right there. I hope you're congratulating every step you take. You are very worthy in my eyes, but that's totally different to what you see so i don't think i'm the one that's going to change your thoughts; only you can do that.

I'm sorry to hear that the romance in your life hasn't worked out the way you hoped for, but maybe try looking at the pyramid in a different light by thinking of love as self-love. From the sounds of things, this is something you haven't given the time to do. I believe that no one should enter a relationship if they're not happy with selves first. So once you've learnt how to love yourself, then try to find the one that you're looking for. You may need a lot of time before you can start moving on again however.

Of course, romance isn't really necessarily. I've met a couple of happy, independent women that have never relied on finding a partner. Mainly as they're self-worth is very high, and find that no one is good enough for them. This is how you want to feel.. After all, you're most likely the best person you're ever going to meet.