I'm not doing well

[stories]

I just have this feeling that I am getting worse.

I am feeling really low right now. Everything is getting to me. I just feel alone. My depression is getting too much. I am way too sleep deprived (went to bed last night near 6am and slept in until 12:30pm missing my first class), not eating properly (even when I am eating), am not able to concentrate/focus on anything, and am starting to get frustrated in social situations that raise my anxiety. It is all giving me a headache and I hate it. All of this is hindering my performance at one of my jobs and I am going to lose that job because of it. Sleeping in today and missing work didn't help either. I got my final warning from my boss via email today after I emailed her saying sorry I didn't make it in. I told her I have (mental) health problems but she doesn't care. So things are just going wrong.

I have my first appointment with my new counselor tomorrow, so I will see how that goes. I hope it goes well. I am not sure what I am supposed to get out of it, but I am going anyway, just to see what will happen or if anything will seem to work.

I have been having urges to self-harm lately. I know I shouldn't do it. I am also on a behavioral contract, as an extension of my housing contract at my university, that says I won't harm myself. I have broken it before without anyone knowing, which I know is bad. But I have homework to do, so that will sway me for now.

I am not sure what do about all of this. Ugh.

The only good thing is I made the decision that once I graduate this spring/beginning of May, I am going to live with my best friend until the end of December when I apply for internships. That is at least set down and I know that I can rely on her and that she is not going to leave my life, ever. But other than this, nothing is really good.

[stories]

Oh by the way, I recently took the Beck Depression Inventory (BDI), a widely known screening test for depression (Wikipedia article). It was a test my former counselor planned to give me. I know some people are skeptical of these but I have taken it on my own and around professionals and just people I know/am close to and nothing changed. The last time I took it, I averaged a 40 or so, my lowest being 37 and my highest being 43. Now I am averaging a 48.5, my lowest being 45 and my highest being 52. On their scoring system anything between 31-40 is considered severe depression and anything over 40 is extreme depression. I have never taken this screening test and gone under 35.

It is going up and it's bad. I know not to just judge some test, but it is an official screening test, and the questions on the BDI-II (updated/revised version) are very relevant. I am probably going to bring this up in my counseling session I have today. Also it is 3am and I have to wake up in seven hours as I have work, which I really do not want to go to, but have to. I know I am not going to get to sleep yet though, which sucks. I couldn't even force myself if I tried. But I will, as it is better than trying to stay up all night. And I did not self-harm/cut tonight. I was really thinking about it. I don't know what will happen as I am still awake, but I don't think anything will happen. I have calmed down from before.

Also, though I am bummed about losing one of my jobs, my "brother" emailed my boss about taking over for me and I hope he gets it. At least someone who will do well, needs the extra money, and will also enjoy it might have it.

[stories]

So I went to the counselor today. She was really goal oriented. She kept pushing/recommending anti-depressants to me which I am not for. I was just put off by the whole thing, and I see her in a week and a half on the 13th. I am not sure what to do or tell her.

I still don't know if I want to get better and don't know what to say about my "unwillingness"... I just don't know anymore. I am not a "high risk" case. I don't know what counseling is supposed to do for me. My "brother" thinks I should keep going.

I have no idea what to do.

[stories]

Another update.

I have a feeling I am relapsing (with food, self-harm, etc.) and I don't know what to do. I think I will try to write all of my feelings out tonight. It will be a late night but I am able to sleep in in the morning, which will be nice.

Edit: Yep. It happened. I self-harmed (not much) and more or less purged for the first time. This isn't going well. Also I feel so low right now, I can't even cry. I am past the moment of crying everything out. I just can't anymore.

The only time I cried was when a photo of my two "brothers" fell off my wall. Of all three of our room walls this photo of them has stayed up, while all others fell. But it fell and I cried for a minute and said "I'm sorry" to it, as if I was saying it to them. After that I couldn't cry and I still can't. I am going to preoccupy myself with online television show watching and then am going to write out some feelings. It is almost 5am. I want to sleep but know I can't. I also want to get up early in order to excessively work out but at the same time I don't. I am just going to sleep until I wake up naturally. I think I need it.

Edit 2: I am not going to write things down. I am getting too tired and it is already 6am.