Any Help? TW

[snowprincess]

I have anxiety/panic attacks

Well sorta

I mean like I’ve had anxiery all my life, I also have ADHD and was medicated my entire life howevr when I hit 80 I was taken off the pills, and now that im weight resorted I don’t want tehm anymore cuz I love my crazy brain. I find solitude in it.
I go from like wanting to be a bad ass with my face all pierced , to a druggie (where I am now), to wanting to be the perfect mom/wife, to a stripper, and back again. And all I really want is to be a mom but cuz of ANA idk if I can ever deal with it. Its hard I mean like idk, when I was younger I was into wried shit, like I went through phases, and now the old me comes back and its not always good. A few nights ago I had a bad one I was layin in bed and watching music video of rape and murder like it started to happen, my brain running crazy I was on the verge of tears saying bad things to someone horrible nasty things, and tehn I was giggling. I felt I was bing taken over.
I just got out of a real hard relationship, of rape,abuse, and the way I delt was hard drug abuse. Ive been abused my whoel life. Ive dropped outa school, I have no job and when I get my car back in feb I know the drugs will come back too.
My depression is getting worse and so are the attacks, I wanta run im a real flight risk . like I fear when I have the car and drugs I will run. Idk. I fear the depression getting worse again uncontrollable again, I fear what will happen….
If anyone understands anything im talkin about I would appricate some words. Im alone that all I feel alone in my own head

[Caitlin6]

Hey hun, I dont mean to be all fneuwiabqgq but have you talked to your docter? Meds of course would get rid of everything but they do help. I was very anti-meds, then I OD-ed and was forced them. THe anxiety one that im on BuSpar has REALLY helped along with other meds for my mood. Have they "cured" me fuck no but things are easier to deal with most days. You're had a rough time lately and have gone though shit and it sounds like you're really stuck. Sorry I cant say more, to be honest I didnt quite understand what you were saying but that might be becasue im exsausted. Take care <3

[snowprincess]

i fear getting help, but i will. im not agains drugs obviously hahah since im in wihtdrawa but idk i wanta beat this aloenbtu now i see i cant. ty for her help <3

[angel01]

get tested for bipolar dear, you sound like me

[snowprincess]

Im really unsure what to say.....i thank you all for your words of advise. I fear that last reply tho

[parentin5]

I can understand where you are coming from for the most part. I havent been a stripper, but I am at real risk of taking off again and driving until I am lost and start a new life there. My life spirals my kids area major disappointment and my ed is from getitng fat having them and now I wonder why I gave up a perfect figure to have them and have the stress and aggervation I have five kids and 4 make me sad, one is a teenage still and I wonder when she will begin to fuck up, I figure if I expect the worst it wont be so bad with here. The only one who cant help it is the one who is psychophrenic but he is also severly over weight from his meds and that makes me sad. My youngest is picking up my eating habbits and it is annoying because she is 5'2 and only 95 lbs she is a reminder of what I was when recovery started before I began having kids. I am married but dont feel like its working dont know if its my mind running my life or if my husband is out to get me. He was abusive years ago but stopped beating me and things got better. I was on 3 meds, quit 2 of them and the one I kept isnt enough. I am so depressed that i do nothing but cry and my husband is constantly saying he is concerned and thinks I need to be in a hospital and that makes me trust him less and less. So now I feel like he is out to get me. My kids are only happy when they are causing havoc in my life. and one with the grandbaby is now not speaking to me and I worry about the baby i was the one getting up at night with him, his mom didnt hear him and when his dad was here he didnt want to take care of him and his wife complained of how hard it was to take care of him. She only took care of him from 7 am to 4 pm until my daughter got home from school (baby's aunt) and then I got him when I got here and took care of him all nite. Now she is using him to hurt me. I will get over it but he is the one in the end that will be hurt because I will not attach to him again, it has ripped my heart out worse than anything. I cant sleep I binged for 2 days and now I couldnt eat if someone paid me to. I have never been overly emotional around other people, I was sexually abused as a child and taught my feelings should never be shared and it was not important. So to be to the point I cry all the time and cant control it is worse than anything I have ever experienced before. I want to be back in control of how I feel and not to feel anything or to atleast not feel this. I dont even want to go

[KoH.]

I can understand where you are coming from for the most part. I havent been a stripper, but I am at real risk of taking off again and driving until I am lost and start a new life there. My life spirals my kids area major disappointment and my ed is from getitng fat having them and now I wonder why I gave up a perfect figure to have them and have the stress and aggervation I have five kids and 4 make me sad, one is a teenage still and I wonder when she will begin to fuck up, I figure if I expect the worst it wont be so bad with here. The only one who cant help it is the one who is psychophrenic but he is also severly over weight from his meds and that makes me sad. My youngest is picking up my eating habbits and it is annoying because she is 5'2 and only 95 lbs she is a reminder of what I was when recovery started before I began having kids.

What is wrong with you? You don't understand where she is coming from at all. She wants to be a perfect mum, and you are by far that if you can say that about your own kids when there's people that desperately want them.

You wonder why you gave up your figure to have them?! That's sick. You're just as bad as all the mum that have a baby and shrink back to size 6 a month later, KISS YOUR BABIES. And i hope to god you don't make them feel this way other than think.

If they have eating problems that you can even recognise from what you went though, you don't just find this 'annoying', you support them to be a better, healthy version of you to lead a happier life. Wake up.

[snowprincess]

KOH-thank you so much, after reading that last night i felt like such shit, like i wasnt sure how to take that and i was sdcaed liek that was me. idk. It triggered me so much, i wanted to SH but didnt at least. You dont know how much ur reply means to me, i woke up today and was like whats the point dont even bother, but then i looked adn ur words made that all go away. Ur an amaizng frined. I fear that i would turn out llike her, fuck up my kids adn you made that all go away, well you and Mr.Mirror so thank you <3 always <3

[parentin5]

I didnt need that but I guess that is what I get for saying how I feel because its not in line with the way someone else read it............. but dont guess it matters, I have screwed up everything in my life including the fact i had kids. My kids woul d have been better off if i didnt exist and perhaps this is all i need.................................

[KoH.]

I didnt need that but I guess that is what I get for saying how I feel because its not in line with the way someone else read it............. but dont guess it matters, I have screwed up everything in my life including the fact i had kids. My kids woul d have been better off if i didnt exist and perhaps this is all i need.................................

You're digging your hole even more. I'm starting to think, are you for real?? do you even have kids???

No, they wouldn't be better off. You're the one person they count on to be there for them. You don't have to be even good at that, as long as you're there and *trying* your hardest to support them, you're alright. That's one of the main things your kids want from you from the day they're born to the very end.

They're the only people that don't care what you've done wrong, but will love you no matter what. They hope for the same thing when they go wrong, they will definitely make mistakes, and i hope you could at least be there for them.