ED's and relationships

[Lyn]

So, I am living with my ex again. We aren't "dating" but we are only seeing each other if that makes sense. Anyways, I am slowly earning trust back (I emotionally cheated on him), I had been so afraid to tell him anything that I went and found someone who would listen to me and they did. No sexual things ever took place though. So after a couple weeks I left to try and be with the guy I had met but soon enough he turned out to be manipulative and harmful to my health. So, I finally got the balls to tell him I don't want him contact me anymore. Shortly after this my ex invited me back (in november) and here I am.

We are communicating more and I can actually talk to him. But I get so insecure and jealous of other women its going to ruin what I finally have back and I can't stand it. If he wanted someone else he could go out and get them but he doesn't so he obviously still loves me... I just can't keep these thoughts away. So I finally (today) told him in depth about how I feel about my body and what I am going through and I asked him to help me get over my insecurities about my body, he said we will talk when he gets home from work.

I just don't understand why I can't be happy with how I look. After we broke up he went and got drunk alot and had this chick send him naked pictures (which I found still saved on his computer 4 months later). I brought it to his attention, the first two days I felt like shit because he refused to delete them, eventually he did delete them to make me happy, and I can't help but feel he will contact her again but he also deleted her number and email in front of me... she was obviously much thinner then me and I just get sick thinking about him wanting her at one point (he didn't have sex while we were apart though). All his ex's have been sooo skinny and it kills me. I was recovering pretty well till I came back and found those pictures... it just hit me with extreme depression and self hate. I now see myself slipping back into the ED life, except I haven't purged a thing but I am not eating as much as I need to. I see the amount of food go down every day and I don't think I can stop it... I want to be so thin it hurts to look in the mirror and see a chubby chick.

All I want is to get over looking like this and I could lose the weight but then how far would it go? Would I hate myself for still weighing to much or hate myself for being to skinny... I am just afraid. If I start losing weight I will get obssessed (even if its a healthy way). I don't want it to consume me again. I hate always worrying about how much I weigh. I think I just want to be happy with who I am... I don't want to gain or lose weight, i just want to be me and be happy but I can't seem to do that.

Just needed a vent =/

[x.ErinSilver.x]

Hey Lyn,

I'm not suprised you needed a vent that's immense! I have to be honest and say that the fact that your boyfriend wouldn't delete those pictures after you moved back in is not cool. I live with my boyfriend too and we had a break once - albeit just a week. When we were back in the flat together it was the best thing in the world so if I had found pictures like that from another girl and he refused to delete them I would have left him in a heartbeat. Why wouldn't he delete them? He's not supposed to want other women, he's supposed to respect you and understand that you have insecurities too. Not delete them 'because he has to'.
Either way I understand that you've stayed with him and that is completely understandable every relationship is different and every person is different. I just hope you are making sure you have the respect you deserve even if you don't feel it.
Although it's easier said than done it's so important that you stop worrying about other women and only focus on yourself. The happier you are the sexier you will be and you have no reason to feel less worthy of any other woman.
Do you think it is purely your own insecurity or do you think it's partly to do with trusting your boyfriend?
I hope I haven't insulted you I have no doubt he is a lovely person and that you share a lot of love and memories. Just a few things I thought I would bring to light in your rant and I hope it might end up helping.

[Lyn]

Technically we aren't togeter. We are going to talk about a relationship when we are on our feet and not struggling to keep a roof over our heads. We had been apart for 3 months and I understand what I did and how wrong I was, after I left he went out and got drunk a lot, never slept with anyone though. He said he hadn't even looked at the pictures and that he had kept them to remind him of that time in his life, (he saves old pictures and letters ect.) But he did delete them for me, to make me happy.
I trust him because he has never once given me a reason to not trust him. Maybe its because I had emotinally cheated and I wouldn't want that done to me. And I guess I fear he may be out for revenge, but then again I wouldn't be living with him. It is all in my head and I wish I could get over my self image issues. He thinks I am sexy and wonderful but I can't see it.

I have been doing better as of late (we do fight often, probably because we are stressed to the core about keeping our rental house), he took me to meet his friends and the guy goes "Is this your special lady", and my boy friend said yes! I just feel good when he tells people I am his lady. He also told people I was his "Old lady", so it sounds like we might be getting back together officially.
I had been talking to my mom saying "I have to have a baby thats cuter then my siblings) and he goes "Slow down there, I am right here". Like he thinks we are going to be together for the long haul, or if we are watching a movie with like a mischevious kid, I'll go "thats totally going to be your kid" and he'll say something like "You'd be mad if you got a call about our kid doing whatever". It makes me feel so good when he says things like that. He is being more attentative to me, and we are actually talking about things.
I think it'll just take some time for him to be able to openly express his feelings (he has never been the type) but he is trying for me.
So my only problem now is for me to stop feeling so shitty about myself and trying to plant seeds of doubt in my head. I don't want my fears and insecurites to ruin it again.