Dealing with porn

[Victorian Fantasy]

I've been married for almost five years and have known my husband for ten. I've always been self-conscious about they way I look and can be very jealous when it comes to my husband and women. I don't pretend my husband doesn't look at porn and actually I'm pretty ok with it. Almost everyone does and it's so easily accessible I'd be a fool to think otherwise. Lately though it has been bothering me. Nothing has changed but I seem to find myself getting overly worried about him looking. Sometimes when I think about it I feel so ashamed of myself and think I'm not good enough or that he must like something that the girls he looks at has or doesn't have. I'm trying so hard to be healthier because we want to start a family in a year or two and I NEED to be healthy. But now it's getting to where just the thought of him looking at porn gets me deeply depressed and I'll refuse to eat.

I haven't mentioned this to him and I've been thinking that I might ask him to stop. Not forever but just until I can be in a better place and not feel so intimidated. I'm worried he'll think I'm selfish because I do feel bad for even thinking of asking him to stop and I worry he'll resent me for taking something so trivial away. I also worry he'll agree but then do it in secret and if I find out that would be so much worse because he would have lied to me about something that should hopefully help.

I want to bring this up to him, I just don't know how.

[leylusha]

This is always a close-to-home subject for me.

I don't have any advice I can confidently give you. I have the same issues. My first boyfriend, a manipulative, abusive, sick dude, literally created my "entitlement complex" (as he called it) wrt his attraction/attention. He eventually started to watch a hell of a lot of porn and no matter how hard I tried, I couldn't cope.

Since then the same issue has ruined another long term relationship, though THAT boyfriend was a bit of a flawed, selfish human being, himself. So after that I decided never to get into a committed relationship with a guy again so I didn't have to deal with such crap.

But now my current boyfriend is almost always around me and during that time doesn't watch porn. Does he do it when he's alone? I'd be an idiot to think otherwise, but I just ... let myself. I let myself believe he doesn't. But I have kind of spoken to him about it and I HIGHLY suggest not being ashamed of your feelings on this matter and realizing that if he judges or resents you for this, he doesn't care about you as much as he should. Think about all the times you've supported each other and made concessions for each other. Why should this be any different? Why should making your woman, the woman you chose, feel as beautiful as possible be something you undertake begrudgingly?

You're worth it, I'm serious.

[Strangelove]

Porn is just a visual aid to masturbation and does not mean that the user is replacing someone with it. I'm female and watch porn when I get off, but still have a healthy sex life and I don't consider watching porn to be a replacement for anything.

Sometimes people like to masturbate. This doesn't mean that they don't want to have sex with their partner. Sometimes they like a little something extra to help get them off. Maybe you two could sit down and watch together or something to try and desensitize yourself to it? Some couples use it as an aid to foreplay.

There isn't anything inherently wrong with pornography, and unless the user is dependent on it for happiness (you can be addicted to anything) it really shouldn't be something that gets in the way of an otherwise healthy partnership.

Good luck with everything- I hope at least some of that helped you.

[SkinnyMD]

Porn is just a visual aid to masturbation and does not mean that the user is replacing someone with it. I'm female and watch porn when I get off, but still have a healthy sex life and I don't consider watching porn to be a replacement for anything.

Sometimes people like to masturbate. This doesn't mean that they don't want to have sex with their partner. Sometimes they like a little something extra to help get them off. Maybe you two could sit down and watch together or something to try and desensitize yourself to it? Some couples use it as an aid to foreplay.

There isn't anything inherently wrong with pornography, and unless the user is dependent on it for happiness (you can be addicted to anything) it really shouldn't be something that gets in the way of an otherwise healthy partnership.

Good luck with everything- I hope at least some of that helped you.

I second this. I'm female and I watch porn during my relationships. Not because I don't find my boyfriend satisfying in bed, but because I like to masturbate and it's just an aid for me.

[Bathory]

I HIGHLY suggest not being ashamed of your feelings on this matter and realizing that if he judges or resents you for this, he doesn't care about you as much as he should. Think about all the times you've supported each other and made concessions for each other. Why should this be any different? Why should making your woman, the woman you chose, feel as beautiful as possible be something you undertake begrudgingly?

^ This. If you personally have an issue with it, I think you should calmly tell him how it's making you feel at the moment. If the situation is making you feel that uncomfortable, he deserves to know and more importantly, you deserve to be heard.

I came across pornographic material that my ex boyfriend had saved on his computer (the kind that any girlfriend or anyone with stable mental health would find DEEPLY concerning) as soon as I found out, I stormed in the kitchen and confronted him about it immediately. While he was eating a salad sandwich haha.

Honestly, it made me feel better to confront him, but only because of the morally disgusting nature of the pornography.

If you are feeling unsettled right now to the point where you are overwhelmed, I'd personally say something. (Kindly, of course)
But if you think you're just going through a bout of insecurity (since the situation didn't sound like it bothered you as much previously), maybe hold off for a while incase it passes, you know?

With whatever you decide to do, good luck

[Victorian Fantasy]

Thank you for your advice everyone. The porn itself doesn't bother me, I know he's not using it as a replacement of any kind. I'm just not in a stable place right now and I find it just a bit overwhelming to be thinking of it bothering me now when I need to be focusing on other things.

I think I will talk to him sometime soon. Thank you

[LittleFoot]

Damn. WTF was he watching?

^ This. If you personally have an issue with it, I think you should calmly tell him how it's making you feel at the moment. If the situation is making you feel that uncomfortable, he deserves to know and more importantly, you deserve to be heard.

I came across pornographic material that my ex boyfriend had saved on his computer (the kind that any girlfriend or anyone with stable mental health would find DEEPLY concerning) as soon as I found out, I stormed in the kitchen and confronted him about it immediately. While he was eating a salad sandwich haha.

Honestly, it made me feel better to confront him, but only because of the morally disgusting nature of the pornography.

If you are feeling unsettled right now to the point where you are overwhelmed, I'd personally say something. (Kindly, of course)
But if you think you're just going through a bout of insecurity (since the situation didn't sound like it bothered you as much previously), maybe hold off for a while incase it passes, you know?

With whatever you decide to do, good luck

[The Bright Side]

Damn. WTF was he watching?

LOL I was thinking the exact same thing when I read her response :P

[LittleFoot]

LOL I was thinking the exact same thing when I read her response :P

HAHA. We went answers dammit!

[The Bright Side]

I'm a perv...inquiring minds want to know!