So I am still in IOP and it has been very hard on me and I hate it most days. But I am seeing that it is keeping me alive as much as I hate it and thats why I keep going back day after day.

Here's the thing though.......

I am much sicker than I ever thought I was and I am seeing that IOP isn't what I need at this point. I really need more help. But where I am at they don't have "more" help. So I would have to go out of state to get more help right now. But because of all my health problems I can't leave until they are a little better.

My therapist has given me 3 places to look into that take my insurance and everything. However also with these 3 places they wouldn't be for very long which is kind of like whats the point.

My therapist did fill me in on that the treatment center is planning on getting day treatment (php) in the spring of this year. So seeing that we are only in winter right now and that would only mean a few more months part of me is thinking to try and stay here and then get into there new program and then after I try that program if I am still not doing well then to look into going to a hospital out of state.

The other big reason why I need to wait is because of my L&I case and I need to figure out what is going on with that 1st to see if they are going to help to heal me or if they are going to throw me under the bus. I just really would like my back to feel better but it seems like it is going to take a lot longer than I ever thought it was going. I am starting to go crazy with not working. I mean sure it is nice not to work and everything but I miss the extra money that was coming in.

Anyways I am struggling with figuring out if and when I need to go to IP.... I am not scared to go.... I just need my health to be a little better to go out of state because I wouldn't be able to get help with my health problems outside of my state without ringing up some huge bills and I can't do that. So I know that my ED is important but so are these health problems and I feel stuck.

But I want to put it out there that I know I need IP and that I would go right now if there was a place in my state but there isn't therefore I need to get a few things under control before I can go/really look into it. Although I really do hope my treatment center does start a php soon and so I can try that out to see if that would help me enough.