Go home but I'm already here?

[whispering-bones]

Am I the only one that feels this way? I feel like I'm not. I.. feel like I Want to go ho me. Always. But I'll be thinking it while in sitting in my living room. I get overwelmed with this feeling of just wanting things to be how they were. (rant,sorry!) I really don't wan tot give my parents 2 screwy kids. I just cant. My brother is so messed up and it kills my family. IT KILLS them. yesterday, I walked in on my mother crying alone in the bathroom. I dont want to tell them that I self harm, or that I'm depressed all the time. I just cant do that to them after theyve given up everything to make me happy.
After my brother got arrested/hospitalized for the first time I couldnt help but feel like it was my fault. MAybe because he told me it was my fault, that im the reason he tried to kill himself. It sounds stupid I guess that I believed him but I still do. I feel like I let everyone down. And people know. I can hear them talk on the bus about the things that he had done or gotten arrested for. It makes me want to punch them. They act like this is all FUNNY. Like its some sort of joke. I have this weird thi ng, I cant handle it when my mother is mad at me. I cant. Because Ive seen how much she has gone through and I always need to make her happy. So when she gets mad I feel like a failure and thats normal right? But it doesnt go away. I just want to cry..or die or just crawl into a hole. I feel so hopeless.
I want to click my heels three times and go home.

[ricecakes]

I know what you mean!
Last year when I was living at home, it was just me and my mum in our flat, and september 2010 she bought a house with her bf (who is a dick) in another part of london.
i already felt a bit broken up since i haven't lived with my dad since i was 6.
i had no choice in the matter, i was still 17 and at school.. oh but wait, i did have a choice according to my mum..
now im at uni and i dont really fit in here, i hear all these stories about everyone else's families missing them and i get so nostalgic and wish i could be home. but i dont know where 'home' is, and i really hate it, it sucks.

i don't know how helpful any advice i could give you would be, but maybe hang out with your mum, or help her around the house? when im home and my mums bf isnt around, i don't actuAlly mind helping out so much ahaha. also when your on your own find things YOU really like.

[elzie]

ooohhh I know that feeling all too well. I spent most of my life wanting to be in a place where I called home. It's only been now where I have my own place that I can call it home. I hope you get happier soon. Talk to your mum, both should open up.

[stories]

I feel this way.

I am not sure where my home is. I know where some of my siblings live, all in different places, as well as my parents. I cannot call either of their places "home", no matter how many times they tell me. I am not sure if even the place I am at on my own is my "home".

Hopefully we all fine "home" soon. And hopefully you are able to get happier. I know that is a hard thing to say. I have depression too. It is nice you are trying to put aside your issues for your mother. Just try not to blame yourself as much. If you ever want to talk, I'm here.

[meganmegan]

I think I know what you mean, and I'm like this. I'll be looking at old pictures or remember things from awhile ago and get punched in the face with nostalgia. A lot of times I don't feel at home when I'm home.
I hope things get better for you soon.