Tonight I really broke down

[silver_elf]

I was having a few drinks with two really good friends of mine - honestly the whole day had been a bit of a struggle and I just got up the energy to hang out - and we started talking about stuff like what we'd been through in terms of social torment and after a while when the whole fitting in thing came up (esp because I recently came out as gay) I broke down crying. I try so hard never to cry in front of people. It felt pretty awful... but they were super supportive which was more than I expected.

Regardless, when we all went to bed I lost it even more and cut for the first time in at least a year. I've been suffering from depersonalization for a couple of days and my mind just broke right back into a raw depression, one of the worst feelings I've had to deal with ever. Last time I felt like this I was creeping into a suicidal mindset.

So now I'm freaking out and I know I need help but I really can't get myself to call the stupid number.

[parentin5]

Huggs..........I can understand where you are coming from. I cut after 20 years and refused to call the number. I cut 2 days after that and told my trainer I was going to quit training with him that he did nothing to help me. I tried to shut everyone out of my life because the more I shut down the less pain I deal with. Long story short, appointments are weeks off but I have one for next month at the end of the month. I appologized to my trainer for speaking to him like that (the day of it he looked at me and said I don't deserve how you are talking to me i am really trying to help you). That simple statement comming from him in a calm rational voice was the wake up call I needed that I was on a spiral that was completely spinning out of control.

It is great you have supportive friends. And comming out took courage but now you can live who you are and not hide who you are. If your depression is that great you should consider getting a counselor to talk to. It may take a while to get in but once you realize being at this point is not productive and the appointments are not getting closer together its time to take a number and wait. I wish you the best.