Struggling...

[fruit-loop]

I've been doing really good in my quest for recovery... have significantly reduced b/p, have gone back p/t to work, mending relationships with friends & family, working on being more personally resourced & I KNOW I've been doing good. I've actually felt 'happy'... !!!

Meanwhile... ticking away in the background: I HATE my body (yeah I've put on weight... don't know how much cos I refuse to look when my therapist weighs me... but I hate the way my clothes fit), I spend hours infront of full length mirrors (I'm a dancer/dance teacher) yet I don't & can't actually 'see' myself. With the step up to actually being 'busy' again I'm finding it hard to give the same focus to eating & cooking whilst (prob BECAUSE I'm more active) my body is DEMANDING more food. This terrifies me... I don't wanna eat more/ I don't wanna 'starve' or undereat/ I'm struggling to cope with my everyday cooking/eating routine as it is... but most of all I can't deal with this hunger!!! I don't wanna binge!!! And I don't wanna start purging my 'normal' meals again either!!!

^ So this has been bubbling away for the last few weeks. THIS week, it feels like life is getting faster... I've got more work things coming up in the next couple of weeks (which kinda bring their own triggers: not being good enough/talented enough/thin enough) & basically I'm already running to keep up...

I've b/p twice in the last 24 hours... yep its not THAT bad (its been waaaaay worse) but considering how good I've been doing, its bad enough. I usually find that during the week its easier to keep myself on the right path... (weekends are when I usually throw myself off), but yesterday I actually b/p'd during the day & awoke from an old familiar junkie-like coma JUST in the nick of time to go & teach... UUUUARGH! I'm horrified I would do that to myself. Self sabotage!!! I was so horrified/pissed/mortified/angry I came home & did it all over again...

This morning my first waking thought was... go & buy more binge food. NO NO NO - I'm NOT doing it!!! Its now nearly 12noon & its taken me 2 hours to convince myself to do my normal morning 'routine' (coffee, cigarette, PORRIDGE). Morning routine completed - I'm safe for now...

Seriously guys, any words of wisdom or encouragement (regardless of how big/small) would be greatly appreciated. I have come a long way & I DON'T wanna slip now!!!

[LRT]

I am in the that place at the moment, I find my recovery tools are coming in handy, thinks like journal writing, blogging, listening to music, watching a funny dvd, having a pamper session, yes it is hard, just keep in mind why you went into recovery and how BETTER life we be when you come out the other side.

When you slip, I have slipped big time in the past and I try do the next right thing regardless on how I feel, yes it is hard, I also take the day meal by meal, hour by hour,

By getting up and dusting yourself each time and getting back on track, you are making your recovery stronger and showing true strengh.

I admit it sounds easy writing it down like but it is bloody hard, the hardest thing I have ever ever done, don't dwell on the slips, put it down to it's all part of the recovery process, I fond the more I think about my slip ups the harder it is to get make on track.

Well done on keeping to your morning routine, that shows strength that you are getting back on track.

I hope this is of some help xx You can do this xx

[fruit-loop]

I admit it sounds easy writing it down like but it is bloody hard, the hardest thing I have ever ever done, don't dwell on the slips, put it down to it's all part of the recovery process, I fond the more I think about my slip ups the harder it is to get make on track.

Well done on keeping to your morning routine, that shows strength that you are getting back on track.

I hope this is of some help xx You can do this xx

Thankyou LRT!!! It does feel crappy... choosing 'recovery' after a mess... but I know it gets easier, I just gotta keep doing the right thing. And sometimes it feels SO good. I think its the newly added in factors that are making it feel hard & crappy - but these are the very things that I've been needing to get back to! Swings & roundabouts and all that...
Thankyou for the support, I hope you're doing ok xxx

[LRT]

I am doing ok, today is good day so far.

Also what I found helps is that I have a recovery meal plan book, where I write out what I am eating and if I eat everything on the plan then I put a smiley sticker on the bottom at the end of each night, I have found, and this is going to sound silly, that I really want to be able to put that smiley sticker on the bottom of the page every night, so it helps me to keep going.

I didn't get a sticker yesterday, but hopefully fingers crossed will get one tonight. Now I sound like a child lol

I have told myself that if i get 7 stickers in a row then I will treat myself to something that is for me.

I hope the rest of day goes well for you.

[fruit-loop]

I have told myself that if i get 7 stickers in a row then I will treat myself to something that is for me.

Great plan! I read your blog - CONGRATULATIONS you're doing sooooo good & should be very pleased with yourself!

Yesterday I was really fighting with myself for most of the day... needed to go & get some much needed groceries but left it til the last possible minute so I wouldn't have time to b/p. However, couldn't seem to help myself & ended up bingeing anyway, despite not having time to purge Uuurgh. Went off to a full on 2 hr dance rehearsal (feeling like shit)... came home & 'finished' the binge. But something in me kinda snapped - I was REALLY mad at myself. I chose to eat this stuff (originally intending to purge it) so therefore I will deal with it (& NOT purge it). This is an ENTIRELY different conclusion for me to come to... yeah I felt terrible... (last night & this morning) but I feel positive & a lot more 'ontrack' again.

Have a great weekend :-)