In a Haze

[driven2change]

I feel like I'm already separated from the world anyway. And now I'm used to feeling like this. I'm so used to feeling like this that I just don't want to be bothered by anyone anymore. I'd just rather keep to myself and completely do my own thing. I don't want to worry about other people's businesses or anything anymore- I just don't have the energy anymore. I've stopped responding to text messages and phone calls...all of a sudden I just have no desire to be social anymore. I only keep in touch with my family. I'm becoming more and more withdrawn, but I'd rather be this way than constantly trying to keep up with everyone and everything around me.

I'm literally sick to my stomach right now, my head is spinning, my arms are numb, I feel uneasy...I'm having a serious relapse. It's been 3 days since I've been feeling like this...it usually lasts no more than a day with like up and down moments in between. So I thought that I would give it about a day for the mood to wear off. But for the past 3 days this mood hasn't changed I can't shake it I'm too weak to shake it and I'm not strong enough to handle it. I'm not strong enough to do anything.

I feel so distant and detached. I know something's wrong, but there's nothing that I nor anyone else can do about it. I just have to face the fact that this is where I belong.

[Lady Persephone]

Hi there driven2change . . . I just want to say I hear you and for most of my life, lately now especially, I'm in a very dark place and I've withdrawn for the most part, it's even harder being married because I'm forced to talk to someone even if I'd rather see no one. Most of my emotions I just bleed out into poetry or music, but mostly verse. I wrote a poem about myself, but I think it probably applies to you, too. I don't know if you're like me and reading poetry will ease the pain a bit, but I hope it does, even a little.

Character Sketch of Myself

I live in terms of colour
My days are all in black
One darker than the other
One foot the more off track
I drown myself in sorrow
I drug myself with care
And donate all my freedom
For always being there
Somehow, within me grew a chasm
When I thought not to look
It overbore me as in
Days I thought that I mistook
And all for all I wanted
So simple in its turn
A place away from the darkness of life
And be worriless, I yearn
To escape the mass of men
In their desperation doom
With their fake lives to condemn them
And wear me away with gloom
But I shan’t afford their sentence
I’d be better off in grave
Where at least achieve repentance
For a life I’ll never save
And I’ll lie beneath each tree branch
I’ll reside beneath the elm
All the worries would cease to entrench
For never in my little realm
Where I care not for the future
And I care not for the past
And I care not for the present
Nor how long my days will last
And I will not need to lose my heart
I will not need to drive
I will not need to fall apart
Or ever stress or strive
For I will bury myself in forgetting
As sure as I am alive
No longer trembling with fear or fretting
I, beneath the current of my sadness, dive

*big hugs*

[driven2change]

Aww I can definitely relate to this poem. The fact that I'm not the only one who feels like this sometimes makes me smile. I really appreciate this, Lady Ju. xoxoxo! And you're so talented!! I'm jealous

[Lady Persephone]

Oh not to worry--I'll probably wind up only being really discovered after my death when there'll be no way to enjoy it. *sigh* Such is life!

I'm glad the poem struck a chord with you, though. Who's going to be there for when you're really down but those who truly understand.

[iwant2recover]

Lady Ju your poem was beautiful. I can really relate to it.

[Lady Persephone]

*big hugs* Thank you, I'm glad iwant2recover.

I once tried to publish my poems in a book like eight years ago or so . . . I got a brutal rejection. You can imagine where it plunged me. I never wanted to attempt it again, but . . . . lately, I'm beginning to feel I should try again. Thanks for all your support, you guys. It's the whole point of poetry, you know--finding solace in the knowing there's others in the same place, feeling the same things, and a poem can be read again and again when it's really needed.