Emotional starvation, and intrinsic value

[spaceghost]

Sometimes I walk away from a crowd feeling more alone than I would have had I not even bothered.

I don't really feel like a part of anything. I've been praised for accomplishments, like my writing, and some other things I'm not as proud of, but that's it. I feel that I am useful. It's the only way I can relate to anyone. A fundamental part of my personality is that I show people I care about them by fixing things, building things, getting them something they mentioned in passing at some point, completing errands, etc., unconditionally, not expecting or caring about gratitude (honestly, I don't care).

That's the depth of it. That's how I relate to the world.

It's always, That thing you did is so great, and not You're great. I like your work, not I like you. I don't feel that I have any intrinsic value, or that my company is preferred over others'. Some would say I don't "give anything" of myself. That I keep people at arm's length. Maybe I do that. Maybe it doesn't show that inside I'm collapsing in on the vacuum of my childhood; the neglect and isolation. After being lonely for long enough, the mind starts to eat away at itself, and thoughts become a demented spiral into absurdity, urging me toward self destructive extremes just to have any feeling of presence.

There are friends that include me in things, and I'm happy about that. But another part of me is persistent in its suspicion that they're humoring me, that none of it will end well, that I've slighted them or soon they're betray me, or that I'm actually part of a much broader and less exclusive cast of acquaintances than I'd believed. And maybe I sabotage things sometimes to make this so.

When relationships/friendships go wrong, I don't find it unexpected. When I feel shunned, or cast off, it doesn't surprise me. Really, all it feels like is confirmation of what I already believe about myself. I believe I'm an outsider—an intolerable presence, an oddity, a curiosity, a novelty, and something wholly deserving of contempt and disregard.

[mischa]

Welcome to the weirdo club. Everyone is alone, don't you think? There's sayings like 'we all die alone' or something. Maybe you're too introspective and self-aware. Others are blind sheep clinging to their buddies. Basketball practice and spag 'n' balls. Or maybe I'm just comforting myself. Yeah that's probably it.

At least you feel useful! My lone lovely 'talent' was writing too. I never will quite understand what all the teachers are gushing over. My writing is deteriorating along with my mind.

People? Relationships? Pah! I love plants.

[Portia]

I think we should all consider that there is no recipe for the good life. Everybody sees a socially active life as the optimale thing to achieve but we seem to forget that we, genetically and by the means of our environments, are wired in different ways. I know that I'm not a social person so why should I constantly chase a socially active life? We should learn to accept ourselves and our limitations. And we should arrange our lives to match our personality and resign ourselves to it. The alternative is to have a life that makes you miserable. To put it in another way: If you hate running, but do so everyday because it is healthy then you'll probably live longer, yes, but if everyday is hell because you dread that run, then you have lost that very important quality of life.

I know it is hard to figure out exactly who we actually are, personality wise, when dealing with pathology, but I still think the above-mentioned is relevant.

[pixxiedust]

ghost, you sound like me

[parentin5]

Spacegost,

You sound like you are living my existance. I feel for you and wish I could send you a virtual hug. I do the same thing. I trainer is the one person in my life who will call me on pushing him away and "building a wall" and others just turn and walk away. It is difficult to come to expect the fact that everyone will leave rather than stay and feeling like a burdon to those who do stay. I even tell my trainer there are those who need him more than I do and I am nothing more than I distraction, and at the most a guinie pig because he is dealing with my inability to eat and said he said it is a learning process for both of us at this point. I hope things get better for you.

[Merla]

My counsellor didn't appreciate it when I replied to her 'no man is an island' comment with 'well, yes I am. I'm an island with a palm tree and a turtle on me.'

I completely understand where you're all coming from. Here I have no friends. I have people I can go out with, people I can see if I want, people I talk to on FaceBook. But if I'm feeling like shit, I have no-one. No-one I can call at 3am apart from my boyfriend who lives 200 miles away and is normally out partying.

[shannonichigo]

Holy shit, I'm way too dumb to understand half of that.

[Ivy45]

I feel like that with most of the people I know, but not all. My boyfriend and my 2 best friends, one of whom lives in Germany right now and the other lives at the other end of the country, are the only people I feel really know me and actually care about me, and I about them, I think I too keep people at arms length; I have always been scared of being hurt and letting others see my vulnerable side, so I kept my emotional distance. I think to an extent I still do, i.e. I would never say some of the stuff regarding my feelings that my boyfriend says to me, even if I think it. But with the acquaintances in my life, the people who call themselves my friends but are nothing more than drinking buddies, I feel the same way you described. I am nothing more to them then someone to make up the numbers on nights out. They would never go out of their way to spend time with me, I'm just an afterthought. I think a lot of people you'll meet will be arseholes, you just have to realise who counts and let them in. True friends are hard to find so hold onto them when you do find them.

So that was a bit of a ramble really And was probably a useless post!