I just need to vent here

[stories]

So hello. I just need to vent a bit. You don't have to read it if you don't want to but if you have some advice it'd be nice.

So I actually have three siblings, an older brother, and an older and younger sister. The two brothers I talk about on here all the time are just some of the closest people in my life. Other than my best friend, they are essentially all I have. (Not really anyone who knows them or me, or even them, will read this so I am fine will telling it how it is)

Well, one of my "brothers" "F", is going through some of the things I have been going through. He has depression and general anxiety disorder. He grew up in an abusive and unloving home, in a place he hated. It was a horrible environment. But then he moved here for college. I met him last January. Last summer, my other "brother" "S", F and I all got pretty close. F and S are pretty much the same people. They like the same things, have the same favorites, think the same, look the same, almost everything. Over the summer they became best friends and "brothers" (Facebook official and all).

But then F started to open up about his self-harm, his anxiety, panic attacks, life, two suicide attempts, etc. I was opening up about my depression at that time too. And I had a history of self-harm (not cutting but was starting), and was developing an eating disorder (it has been six months with it). It has been a lot to take on.

And emotionally it has worn all of us down. S did not know how to handle it. it usually went like this: everything is okay, F freaks out about something, he might self-harm, then he talks to S and they have an emotional talk and the cycle begins again. It gets tiring sometimes, but I don't mind it. But it got to a point where it was getting too much for F. And he had a third suicide attempt. He could not complete it though. I had my first panic attack because he would not tell me what had happened. Then I went over to S's place to tell him that F was not telling us something. I found out and told S. F does not know this. The next day I told F it would be best if he was honest with S and finally he worked up the courage to tell him, via text as he could not do it in person. He knows how much it would hurt him to know what happened. S took action because he knew F needed help. It just got to that point. He had meetings and everything to see if he could stay on campus and at the university. He has been able to, luckily.

But S is still emotionally drained. He told me over text that he is done with this. That him and F are done. He cannot deal with it and he is swamped with work, stressed, and everything else. It has all just been too much for him to handle. But F is devastated. I feel the same. But it is worse for F. This is the first time I have seen him determined to recover. He said he would really try to get better. His only goals were to be able to stay at the university and on campus and get his "brother" back. (S was not talking to us for a few days). But now there is a change in things.

And I don't know what is going to happen. F is thinking about suicide again, but he is not final on any decisions. He is not sure what will happen. He knows he cannot stay at this university right now and is probably going to transfer. But we don't know yet. I just don't want him to die. And that is scaring me. It always have. Thinking of these things after so much crying is not good either.

I tried to call my mom because when I finally told her about my depression, self-harm, and eating disorder, I was so relieved. I thought she could help but she just made it worse. She doesn't understand depression, or at least mine. I do not expect her to, but I just wanted some comfort. I felt like I was just being yelled at or attacked. I don't know.

But this is getting to me a bit too much and I am not sure what to do about it. I know that it wouldn't do any good to tell someone how F is feeling because digging him into a deeper hole after he just got a second chance is not good. I am hoping things will turn up. I am hoping after a while S will come around. Maybe he just needs a lot of time. F and I are going on the hope that maybe one day he will return. But I am not sure how much of it is him needing time. But maybe he is completely done with this. This just reinforces the idea that F and I think sometimes that we are meant to lose people. It sucks to be this way.

I just don't know what to do or what will happen. I just needed to get this out here. It is stressful and sad and this isn't helping my depression. F has so much to live for but I just don't want this to be too much for him to handle. And I care too much about him to let anything happen. But I know I cannot stop him if anything does. I can try to prevent it, but if it happens, then that is his choice. He knows the repercussions and knows how much it will hurt me. He knows these things. He has not made any decisions yet which is good. I am just going to see how things go. I am still scared though. Thank you, if you have read all of this. And if you have any advice, kind words, anything, it would be nice right now.

(I think this is all of it. If not, I will edit it in).

[stories]

If this is better suited for "The Chair" forum or "Rant and Rave" it can be moved there. I spend too much time on the eating disorders and self-harm forum to know there is the depression forums, which are probably the ones I should be on the most.

[MyDarkestNight.]

Hi
Sound like things are pretty overwhelming for you, hopefully letting it all out here made you feel at least a little bit better. Families can be so complicated, I get pretty upset when things are really bad for my brothers, but they don't know that.
Has your brother had any psychiatric help?
And are you getting any help? If not don't be scared to go to the doctors and ask for it.
I'm not very useful, but I care, so if you need to vent pm me and I'll try to help.
xx

[ray.h]

It's great that F cares about both of you. That always helped me when I felt suicidal. I didn't do it because I never wanted to hurt my friends and family. Depression and self harm are not things that everyone can understand. Sometimes it's too much (like with S), but, you described him as being there when F needed help, so I'm sure that things will work out eventually. Try motivating F. Take him out. Entertain him. The worst thing, for me at least, was having the time to think things over. It's good that you're there for him. I'm sure that he appreciates it as well.
I hope I helped.

[stories]

Sorry for not replying. Yes we both see counselors at our university's health center. Things are somewhat better now...