20 years recovered to fall into it again TW

[parentin5]

It was 20 years without cutting and now I have to start over again. Not sure why I couldn't fight the urge like I have for so long. Stress is more than I can deal with. My only support system wasn't at the gym and I had to deal with another trainer who is a pain and that was enough to trigger it beyond being able to distract myself. So now my trainer says I need more help than he can give me saying he is not trained to help me like that. I am in no way blaming him for what I did, but having him around at the gym is enough to get me through the rough days ahead. Him not being there, gaining a pound and dealing with another witch who said I gained because I am not exercising as much as normal and eat 500 per day is more than I can deal with in a single day. Aggervated with myself for not being able to control this and aggervated that husband thinks that I should be back on meds that he was against me taking. I stopped cold turkey because I feel that is why my weight will not come off. and now he said he is very dissappointed and concerned because of it. Its not like it was as bad as before so I am not sure what the big deal is. Need new way to deal with stress but not sure how or what................ aggervated............ 3 days and not cut again, hoping for the best and preparing for the worst. Urges are worse than ever.

[sunrayshay]

Welcome
This is a great place to come and vent as well as get advice i hope you enjoy it here.

How long have you been off your meds ?? It's not good to quit them cold turkey it's better to ween !! It shocks your body and can make you feel lower then when you started ! Maybe you could go back on for a bit hen start weening . Have you talked to your dr about this? Some might be willing to change or add something so you won't gain.
It's tough having a husband that doesn't truly understand but it sounds like at least he's concerned, try not to push him away and tell him you need to re group . And just because you cut a couple times doesn't mean that you have to continue we all have slip ups !!

[parentin5]

I quit my meds on wednesday and cut on thursday. My doctor had said I had to see psychiatrist next he had run out of options of meds that may help. He had me on wellbutrin, added celexa, then abilify. Abilify caused headaches and he said continue anyway. Went to another doctor who also said psychiatrist would be next but took me off abilify and doubled the celexa. and I know slips happen but unfortunately for me I now remember how the pain numbs the other pain and now the urges are worse than ever. But so far havent done it but twice the one day. when an alcoholic says "I am disappointed in you" it might as well be the end of the world, first I have the thoughts of just like being a kid caught by the parent doing wrong, then the omg sorry not sure how I let this happen and immediately followed with how dare you judge me when you cant keep your lips off a bottle and until you walk a mile in my life don't tell me how to live mine and one last thought of it could have been worse, coulda just ended it all if it werent for the fact I didn't want my daughter to be the one who would find me since you were out of town and she would wonder why I am not up. Struggling with getting out of bed and going into a new day and praying for death each night. It also has been about 20 years for this but the spiral is worse now and feels like being caught in the perfect storm and unable to break free, then someone hit the pause button long enough for the trainer to give his advise which makes sense until I am able to over analyze and convince myself he is wrong and dont care beyond being paid to care and hubby wants me around to work so he can get the benefit of my pay check. I truly appreciate the advise and will most likely end up seeing doctor until I can get into see someone else but hope that comes before I can convince myself its stupid and they cant help like I have done for months now. I was able to cope on my own until a few months ago and now I do well to survive the day. So irritable I cant stand myself today and not making things any better.

[sunrayshay]

Oh so it hasn't been long just start back up and sort things out with your dr. Are you bipolar my dr just prescribed me abilify and valporic acid never started yet tho!
That would be difficult hearing a comment coming from that direction, I guess in that case you best ignore it!!!
I have 2 children so I know what you mean about having to drag your self and pretend everythings ok.
Are you seeing a psychologist as well I feel like they help the most to sort out WHY your feeling this way instead of numbing the feelings. Have you ever tried CBT not sure if you have coverage where you are but if you do it's a good idea

[parentin5]

I have went back on wellbutrin because its the only one I have taken that has not caused weight gain. I have an intake appointment with a counseling center set for end of Feb. it was the earlies they have. I have been diagnosed as bibolar. Sadly I know in my heart of hearts what will happen if I dont get help and follow the directions given but life has always been like watching a train wreck and helpless to stop it. My trainer has a way of convincing me to do what I need to do and believe its my idea or his but my decision ultimately. I think my turning point was when I injured my knee and wrist picking up a dresser and wasnt able to work out full time as I was before (around work and school and kids etc) this caused anxiety to kick in worse and emotional roller coaster was out of control. I was hateful to trainer who was trying to protect my leg from further injury but he communicates well and told me he didnt deserve the way I was talking to him, made me feel like a heel and I appologized and yesterday we talked more and I told him of all the appointments I have lined up to take care of this but that I know thats no excuse for the behavior. But I was pushing through an injury to my knee and a severly sprained wrist and some of the exercises would only make it worse. especially pull ups and certain weights. I realized that since I had these injuries I was pushing through and the pain was worse when I was done, but I wasn't cutting and was thinking that was good, but later realized one is bad as the other and I have to do something before I sprial out of control again. looking forward to counseling and psychologists appointments. I am hoping that this time I can get better and stay better. I have been out of counseling for 14 years this time so I didn't do too bad since I can recognize when I cannot change things alone and need help for it this time.
Figured out I have many emotionally unavailable people in my life and this is a trigger for me. So i am speaking my mind about what I feel is missing from our relationships based on the type of relationship it is and telling each to feel free to tell me what they need from our relationship and if we cant find a common ground then we need to walk away because I cannot do this anymore.

[angel01]

im so happy there is 1)older member here and 2) recovered cutter. I had been completly cut free for almost 5 years and effed that up in a very heated arguement one night, it was jsut a single cut but it still makes you angry cuz its liek how can you go that long without dong it and then all of a sudden cut. I feel your pain on this one. Stay strong, i spend a disgusting amount of time on here so if you ever need to vent to a stranger im here and judgement free

[elzie]

Well if you done it before I KNOW you can do it again.

[parentin5]

Thanks everyone. Have been doing well since then. So far although it hasn't been easy. It is great to have a site to talk openly and not worry about judgement of others who cannot possible imagine what the true torment is. I don't always come back to the posting site, so if you want to you and send email to in box.