Competitive TW

[peace.love.starving]

Everyone with an ED knows that it's competitive. But does anyone ever feel competitive with cutting? Cause I do and I find it weird. When I see scars on someone elses arms its very triggering. Am I alone?

[dopdop2000]

You are absolutely not alone; I feel this way all the time. In fact, I think there was a thread a while back of people discussing being triggered by seeing other people's cuts/scars (if you're in the mood for some digging). Personally, I always get this inadequacy complex when I see other people's cuts because I feel like mine are good enough. Like, "what's wrong with you, you can't even be crazy right?!" I know that it's stupid because self harm no matter how superficial is serious and reflects emotional troubles/problems, but, thats how I feel.

[MyDarkestNight.]

Definately not weird, this is me all over
It's not good to feel that you can't even do well at something you do at your worst

[stories]

I agree with dopdop2000.

I definitely feel like this. I have the feeling of inadequacy because mine are not good enough, deep enough, etc. I know it's a bad way to think.

I don't know. Sometimes the only way to make everything seem real is to be the sickest person in the room. My sense of competition and being at "my" worst is forever skewed. It shouldn't be about how bad or far gone/off you are. If someone has an issue, then they do. No one with an issue over another. My logic is usually out the window though, so this won't matter much when things happen or I start to feel really low again.

So yeah, what dopdop2000 said. I understand this.

[moon_light]

I feel like I'm not sick unless I cut deep enough. If I don't bleed enough then I'm a poser and a failure and even though I feel sick I'm not actually sick and I can't hold a candle to the people with real issues. IDK.

I never see anyone else with cuts IRL. Ever. But I see pictures online and I know what I should be doing to be considered sick. Ugh, that's so twisted...

[Jiuliana]

I can totally understand and relate to this.

I'm often humiliated by how shallow my cuts are. The true pain that causes them to manifest is so deep and terrible, but I don't see that in my cuts. I look at myself and think "if anyone sees this they wouldn't even take me seriously enough to refer me to a help center. They would laugh at me and accuse me of seeking attention."

While in some ways I appreciate that my cuts are shallow, (they heal faster. The last thing I want is for them to be seen) I always feel weak and like my pain threshold should be higher. I had stopped cutting at age 14, but I started again not too long ago (i'm 17 now). These recent incidents were the first where I actually bled more than a drop. But now it's just a new standard to "beat"...

[Inglorious]

thats how i feel about it too. i feel like im not really sick, im not cutting deep enough to be sick, when I look at my best friends arms (he has scars from cutting but idk why, we never talked about this.) i feel like, he's some kind of.. better then me, which is weird, cause being the sickest shouldnt be a competition, idk why i feel like that, i mean it sounds ridiculous to me, but its my way of thinking, its like my cuts are a joke, its like im ashamed of making fun of people who are really sick, but thats NOT what I am doing, Im just not brave enough to cut deeper which is maybe good, but to me im weak.

[peace.love.starving]

That's exactly how I feel. I want to cut deeper but I'm scared. Ahh the loveliness of eating disorder thinking, it affects everything.

[Inglorious]

That's exactly how I feel. I want to cut deeper but I'm scared. Ahh the loveliness of eating disorder thinking, it affects everything.

true story :/

[ray.h]

I always want to cut deeper. A year ago I saw a picture of someone you had cut a chunk of his thigh off. Like an cube an inch thick. I know its horrible but I wanted to try it. I ended up cutting myself so deep that it kept bleeding continuously for a week. Dumb move.