My paranoia is out of control. Help??

[moon_light]

I'm so afraid of it rearing its ugly head when I go back to school. At home, I can just succumb in my room and it doesn't matter. Not at school.

At school, I'm on a floor with forty other people, in a building with 400 other people. All so close to me. We have the dining hall in our building, too, so plus probably two hundred people at any given time. And then out my window I can see another strew of buildings, all containing people who are close enough to shoot me through the window. All these people are trying to kill me.

Sometimes I have to lock myself in my room with the shades down, the lights off, and music blasting for hours to drown out the noise and the existence of everyone else. If I leave my room for any reason, my floor will immediately kill me. They are outside my room, talking, laughing, plotting the best way to kill me. Burn me beat me rape me. And the only thing I can do is stay inside my small room and try to be as small as possible, and wait for this nightmare to be over.

My medications help with my depression and anxiety, but not my paranoia. I guess the difference between my paranoia and anxiety is that my anxiety hits me out of nowhere and I am so, so afraid for no reason at all. I get a new email and I am immobile with fear. My favorite show isn't on and suddenly I need to throw up. My paranoia is very direct and always has malicious intent. Someone is always trying to kill me. My bones are poisoning me. I am going to die.

At school it gets so bad... I don't know what to do. It can be so embarrassing and so inhibiting. I feel like I can't function like everyone else. It strikes and all the sudden five hours of my day are gone. The rest of the day was only half there, though, cause I spent it either majorly anxious or majorly depressed.

Fuck. IDK the purpose of this post. How do you deal with your paranoia? I have no idea what to do.

[Bathory]

How do you deal with your paranoia?

In all seriousness, I just tell myself to shut up and stop being a dickhead and that I'm going to be fine.

My paranoia is at it's worst when I have PMS. During those times, I get paranoid about ridiculous things such as people in the house using my expensive shampoo or having random people stealing my clothes off the clothes line, (which has happened to me before. I've had a few missing pieces of underwear...)

But anyway, enough about me and my lack of underwear.

Personally, I think school is the one of the WORST places to be when you're going through anxiety and paranoia.
Remember though that you are NOT alone even though you can easily feel like you are, and that there are plenty of others at your school who feel like their paranoia is swallowing them whole. They just hide it well

If it just seems to get worse I'd recommend seeing your GP and mentioning what you're going through and what you can do about it to ease the severity of your paranoia (whether it be a medication change or speaking to a therapist.)

Good luck!

[elzie]

There's paranoia and then there is what you're going through. I honestly think that you need to see your doctor asap. It's severe anxiety and complete OTT paranoia!!

[moon_light]

I already see a psychiatrist, but it doesn't help. I always think he's going to rape me, and when I talk for long periods of time he gets a strange face on and I become convinced he's plotting the best way to kill me so he can fuck my corpse. Or just torture me as he rapes me. It's never a good scenario. I try really, really hard to get help from him, but I can't. It happens with all the male therapists/psychiatrists I've been to.

I'm afraid to see my doctor. I feel like I'm lying. I want to do on campus counseling (trying it again but this time ask for a woman) but I'm a bit afraid about confidentiality. They kept asking me questions about my self harm and suicide attempts last time and I found myself lying because I didn't know what was "okay" and what wasn't. I mean, if I told my doctor... what would he do?

[ricecakes]

i feel like people are always watching me, and plotting against me. like im a criminal, i feel like everyone is spying on me and just me, and their all doing it. and i get so so worried and scared.

i don't know what to suggest to you honey, just make sure you let your doctor know asap.

[moon_light]

But if I tell him he might not realize I'm lying and take me seriously. I feel like I'm lying about the entire thing. And then if he treats me seriously and finds out later that I'm lying, I'm scared he's going to scream at me and hit me.

I don't know. It only happens every so often. And it usually doesn't last TOO long, depending.

I'm so scared of telling someone. I know this sounds crazy, or maybe it doesn't at all, but I can't tell anyone. Terrible things would happen, and I can't deal with those things. At least I know this. I don't know what would happen if I told someone.