Giving up the hope

[Girlinterruptedallthetime]

*WARNING.... Long post of my thoughts and what is going on. It is okay if you don't read it.... just needed to get it out*

So for those of you who have not heard me talk about what has been going on with me in the last 5 months here is a little back info:

I got hurt on my job back on 9/10/11. I hurt my back by picking up my client off the floor. He does not walk/stand/or do anything for himself as he has CP and is in a wheelchair. Anyways I got hurt while we were on vacation and when I got back I went to the doctor to find out I in fact did hurt my back and have a bulging disk between L4-L5 and I have no gone back to work as I am in so much pain and can't go a full day without sitting down a lot or laying down. I wouldn't be able to work at my job yet because of it. I am also on painkillers and I would not feel safe going back to work and still being on them as my job is taking care of other people and I have to sign a lot of legal paperwork all day long and give meds and so on. That being on the pills right now makes me forget a things from time to time and I don't want to put my life/job at risk let alone someone else's.

So I have been going to PT and seeing my doctor this whole time. I have done everything that has been asked of me so far. Well because I got hurt on the job I have to deal with L&I. Well my doctor has wanted me to go to a pain clinic as my pain isn't getting better and he along with the PT feel like that would be the best fit for me to get better. I agree with them. Anyways he sent a referral to a rehab center and L&I denied it. They said I hadn't been in pain long enough. They said I had to be in pain for 3 months. So when the 3 month mark came they tried to get it covered again and L&I now says that they don't cover a rehab center unless it is the last thing to try. Are you fucking kidding me?? Like why did they tell the rehab center and everyone that it was cuz I wasn't in pain long enough and now it is for another reason. FML. Anyways now L&I wants me to have a 3rd party doctor look at me to see if I am really hurt and whatever. I get why they are doing this because a lot of people fake back injuries. I however am not faking it and I have a MRI to show it. Also I am not gaining anything by not being at work like other workers would. See they were paying me a little over $600 a month when I 1st got hurt for time loss. But then they saw that I also get SSDI/SSI so I am now only getting a whooping $60 a month from them. I am losing money by not working.

Okay long story short this is what is going on......


*3rd party doctor (not until 2/18/12)
*They are not going to pay for my pain meds anymore after 2/18/12
*They want all my mental health records before 9/10/11 (ALL records!!! That means shit from when I was 15 and I wont lie.... I look fucking CRAZY on paper and this scares me)
*They have now stopped paying for PT

My doctor told me the other day that he thinks I should look into getting a lawyer but didn't really say why. I talked to my friend and she told me her dad was one and works with things kind-of like this and she was going to talk to him about it.

Well today I called him and she had not yet talked to him so I kind-of told him what was going on and he told me that he didn't do that but that I can call the bar association and see if they do pro bono cases. Well I looked them up and tried to call them but they said they were closed. The funny thing though is the recording said they were open till 4:30pm today and I have tried to call a few times but they seem to be closed for some strange reason.

Anyways I am giving up hope that I will be able to get any help what-so-ever with this and that I will end up living in pain because L&I is fucking me over. I am also starting to give up hope that I will ever o back to work.

I just don't give a fuck right now and that also scares the shit out of me. I know myself all to well and this can only lead to bad things.

Is it wrong of me to want to get better? Is it wrong of me to not want to put myself or my clients at risk and not go back to work until I am not on pain meds anymore? Is it wrong of me........

[JEANNE]

OMG, no you are not wrong at all! You are being responsible and mature about not wanting to put yourself or your clients at risk. You are right to be wanting a pain-free life and fighting for that relief. I CANNOT BELIEVE the headache of dealing with state agencies and the lack of regard for individulas in this type of situation.

If I were you I would contact legal aid, go higher up in the worker's comp chain of command and contact your employer's human resource dept? Really, there must be someone somewhere that can guide you towards some help.

I am really sorry you have to deal with this on top of your injury and pain. Please hold on to hope and do your best to take care of yourself. Do you have family or friends that can help? Sorry, I don't know what to say other than you are in my thoughts. Take care.

[Girlinterruptedallthetime]

Thanks for reading this!!!

Well I made my mind up on one thing and that is on the paperwork that I have to send to L&I tomorrow is that I only gave my doctors/therapists/case workers names that I am working with now and wrote on the paper that I do not believe that my mental records from when I was a teen should have anything to do with what is going on now so I only gave 5 people and I wrote on the release form that they are not to give out info about my teen years until I am told why they really need it. I am sure this might cause problems but at this point I don't care. I really have nothing to lose right now. Sure they could stop payment on everything which they have already done in a way.

I am sick of people walking on me and I am standing up for myself on this one. I haven't been able to talk to a lawyer yet and I am not sure I will be able to find one but I am not giving up just yet.... I don't have any hope right now but I am not giving up my fight until someone other than L&I says to give up.

As for going up higher at L&I I tried that once and it didn't really work all that great... I mean sure I got what I wanted but I didn't talk to my case workers boss... I left a few messages and then her boss made her call me back and work something out. And I am not sure about my job and HR there. Although I have to call them this week so I might try and ask something but I doubt they will help at all because they want me back at work even if it isn't my job.

And as for family and friends...... they all know what is going on but no one really seems to want to help. They just say they are sorry I am dealing with this and that they hope I feel better soon. One of my friends offered to help but she said she was going to do something and then never did and because I was running out of time I had to do it myself which is why I think I am where I am without a lawyer. It sucks some but at this point crying over it ain't going to help at all.

Thanks for reading.... that alone and knowing that you read it and can see that things aren't fair is good enough for me.

[Mr.Mirror]

I gotta tell you how I admire this courage you've been having to keep fighting even under this terrible shit storm.
*hugs*
take care

[Valor]

It never ceases to amaze me the revoltingness of the health "system" in the States. I feel for you so much, it must be such a horribly frustrating situation and to deal with all that while in pain....youre simply amazing. Hang in there and get mad if you have to!!!

[Girlinterruptedallthetime]

Thanks you guys!!! I am glad that other people see that there is something wrong and that I just don't feel like there is something wrong. Its good to know!!! And I have been allowing myself to get mad and upset over this now.... I was trying hard not to but my therapist doesn't want me to keep it in anymore so its nice to get it out!

[The Bright Side]

You are so strong hon!!!! Those fuckers!! Hang tight girl. YOU are the right one. I can't believe this is happening to such a wonderful person.

[Girlinterruptedallthetime]

You are so strong hon!!!! Those fuckers!! Hang tight girl. YOU are the right one. I can't believe this is happening to such a wonderful person.

Awww thanks!!! Yeah it sucks and it is getting harder and harder to stay strong. I just want to go a day without bak pain. I would love to workout again and lose some more weight, I would just love to not be in pain. I would love to go back to work and have a life again. And yet none of that can happen until I can get some more help. FML. But thanks for understanding and reading. *hugs*

[The Bright Side]

Skype me tonight hoebag :P

[kittycat]

You are a survivor and youre strong. you can and will fight through everything. Take care of yourself and know I'm here whenever you need to talk.