I am sitting in my room right now writing this after I just purged up some water. I am shaking and feeling awful. Why am I doing this to myself all the time?
Back in High school I used to have so much confidance in my subjects and projects. What happened? I worked hard and just threw it all away. I miss having ideas pop into my mind. (The best ones are random and unexpected, always) I miss the intensive drive I had. I miss everything I loved the way it felt to improve and achieve my goals. Goals that meant something.
I was looking through my old pictures and photo files taken years ago. Was I happy back then? No. But I was somebody . I had an eating disorder, but still. I was something.Though I lived a double life..Right now I feel that all I can be is anorexic/bulimic and all i will be is just an eating disorder.. Like everyone used to tell me how prety, smart, strong and brave I am. It was nothing but bunch of twisted lies...I had an appointment yesterday with my therapist.. I felt really empty like a blank page. Like a notebook lying in the shelf waiting for someone to write the first notes. I feel numb, like I want to cry, but have no bloody tears to cry. I am anoyed with myself. Feels like everything I do is wrong..For God Sake I JUST WANT TO BE HAPPY!! Is that too much to ask?? I used to tell everyone how people should fight to survive. How life is woorth to live it!! But I don't feel it. I am a worthless person. I have no job, no school. I am at home care. I feel like I want to run away, far away.All I do is sit at home, most of the time feeling like a shit. Wanting to cry. I feel like I want to take a knife , stab myself right in the neck artery , fell on the floor, hoping to bleed to death..see that warm light leading me to better world, where is no pain, no madness, no loneliness, I want to be free! My world keeps collapsing and I have no more strenght to build it up again. I want to give up my therapy. It's going nowhere!!! Its over a month and nothing has changed. Ive been purging more. My throat hurts, my neck is killing me, my stomach burns and my teeth are getting more sensitive I feel like I deserve to be punish for all i had done I want to smash something, break something, scream and yell, act like a fucking psycho!! Let it all out!! I want to dig inside my scull and scrap out all the pain. I feel rapped willingly. So humilliating. Regreting. Disgusting. UGh..I ahte myself! I want to give up