Relationship not working out, bf cant see my point?

[betty2505]

I have been in a relationship for 6 months now with a guy and he is lovely, we get along great and I do enjoy spending time with him.
The thing is I just didnt feel a spark there, all those things are great for a friend status but in terms of being in a relationship I felt a little more was needed, like a real spark or desire for the other person?
I found the relationship a little stressful due to that and the fact he is quite clingy, I just cant cope with my ed, uni and a new relationship at the moment.
I decided to end things but he took it so badly and is refusing to see my point. He said my reason wasnt right, the spark is there I just cant see it. He said Im living in a fairy tale world and expecting too much from a relationship. To me I think a relationship requires that something extra, I do miss him but I miss his company. I used to almost cry at the thought of having to sleep with him and a relationship shouldnt be like that.
Anyhow, he said that he hadnt realised just how mentally bad I am and that I need serious help and that I`m just not thinking clearly and not in a position to end a relationship. He said that Id never meet anyone like him again who was willing to do so much for me and Im making a huge mistake.

He now just phoned me saying he wants us to go to therapy together! We have only been together for 6 months, is this not a bit weird?

I dont have much relationship experience which i why I`m asking this. I know I have huge issues with my mental state but part of me is a bit irritated that he is just thinking he can demand I go get help right now and get sorted, like its a new issue. Ive had this for 7 years now and depression for much longer, does he not think Ive had my fair share of drugs, hospital and therapists over the years?

Am I being unreasonable?

[Ivy45]

I don't think you're being unreasonable at all. If you're not feeling the spark, then you're not feeling it. Before I met my current bf there was this one guy who was interested in me. He was pretty much perfect bf material - he was was trustworthy, kind, and would do anything for me. But as much as I wanted to like him back I just couldn't make myself like him in that way. I think you know pretty early on if you're attracted to someone. Unrequited love is hard but he's just going to have to accept this is how you feel. I'm sure he'll find someone else to cling to, he sounds like that kind of guy. And imo yes I do think 6 months into a relationship is a little bit early to be going to therapy lol. If he can't accept it's over and continues to harass you maybe it would be best to cut ties, or at least take a break from your friendship.

[Polkasquares]

I ended my relationship for those same reasons (plus some others), but that was after it had lasted almost 3 years. Yeah, I completely agree that in order for a romantic relationship to work out, you need to have sexual desire for the other person. I used to cry at the thought of sleeping with my boyfriend too... problem is, we'd been sleeping together for almost 2 years when that started. :/ And I know our relationship was shit after that, so I'm pretty sure that desire is important.

It's ridiculous that he would tell you the spark is there but you just can't see it. I mean, really, how can he possibly tell you that you are sexually attracted to him, except you don't know it? That makes absolutely no sense at all. If you don't desire him, then you don't desire him. And it's not because you're depressed, or that you have an eating disorder. It's just that sexual feelings are not always returned, and he needs to realize that and respect you.

I'm not trying to say he's being a jerk... He is being very unreasonable, but it's probably just because he's hurting, since he really likes you. It might be better to give each other some space for a while until he gets over you, then try being friends again.

[betty2505]

Thanks so much for your replies, it really means a lot to hear that someone else understands my point of view. We are meeting tomorrow, he can say his bit but then I think for both our sakes Im just gonna have to cut ties completely. If anyone has a screw lose in this relationship I think its him.

[missatastic]

You are NOT expecting too much! I spent 3 years in an abusive, clingy-on-his-end relationship. At first it was great... but ultimately I was there because I felt bad to leave. I tried to leave once and he just absolutely crushed me and I took him back. There was no spark. Being intimate made me nauseous. It was a horrible feeling. The relationship finally ended due to something else... I ended up putting him through hell because I was miserable, he did the same, blahblah. Ultimately.. you're right to want a spark. To want the magic. To want to be happy. I can vouch that the spark exists. Took me a few years to move past the damage that resulted from staying trapped in all of that. Don't let him guilt you or make you feel bad. He's crazy and using every way possible to hang on to you. He should have taken a better approach.. like.. maybe trying to dazzle you or revive the spark after a break.. Rather than.. say you're screwed up and need therapy. Seriously. Lol.

Good luck <3

[spaceghost]

Just rip the proverbial band aid off.

Only the minority of people (I hope) would welcome affection induced by guilt. It's crap for you, and also unfair to him since he's stuck pinning all his hopes on someone who doesn't care the same way he presumably does.

It'll hurt. Like everything hurts. There are no ways around these things.