The Nothing

[Lady Persephone]

The Nothing

I fell down a chasm
Deep and endless and lifeless
I know not how long I slipped,
Slipped through the fine white granules
Of desolated sand.
I traveled like a leaf through time,
Weightless and empty, save only the pressure
Of my trapped breath against my chest.
Empty.
Two syllables expressing one thought,
Yet covering a multitude of feelings
All leading back to the one basic truth,
Like a road that you never can find
The end to, for it has none, and it goes
Nowhere.
It is an empty road. Deserted.
And I was alone. I was alone in the
Darkness.
It was not dark because there was no light or color.
It was dark because I could
Not open my eyes, for fear the sand would come in.
Sometimes I felt I could hear voices.
The voices of my childhood. The voices of my
Family, people I worked with,
Imaginary voices. My friends who were of the air.
I could hear the voices of my enemies taunting me.
My enemies.
I have only one enemy.
Myself.
But there were no voices, only the darkness: thick, black, vast, and empty.
Empty.
What a small word. A word so small,
Yet describes so much. Holds a girth, a great throng of individuals
All fighting to escape it. They die trying to forget the emptiness, but they cannot,
For it is their elixir. It is what fills their minds while they are thinking. It is what fills
Their hearts while they are loving another. It is what fills
Their dreams while they are sleeping. It is what courses through
Their veins into their fingertips and into their
Pens as they are writing. It is what travels through the wavelengths of
Their phones and into the ears of their
Listeners. It is the
Papers and the files and the
Briefcases that they carry to and from their occupations. It is in the food
That they so hastily consume. It is in the coffee
That they drink and in the
Machines that they use to lose weight and to process information.
It is in their words. It is in the minutes
That they spend in worry. It is on the seats of their cars and their
Driveways and their stereos and their
Hands as they move their wheels steadily
On. It is
In the keys that they type with. It is in the movies and the sitcoms and the
Talk shows and the news that they watch. It is in the
Briefings that they listen to and they comment in so eagerly.
It is in the podium and in the speaker who
Stands upon it. It is in the
Books that they read and in the
Games that they play. It is what
Consumes them like firewood or actors in an ongoing play
From day to day. It is what fills
Their lives. Emptiness.
When they close their eyes they can feel it overshadowing them,
Over taking them, overwhelming them.
It is long. It is endless. It is lifeless.
It is the bitterness and the coldness of
Life. It is the unkind words and the
Thoughtless actions in life. It is the strain
At the end of the day.
It is a chasm. It is the feeling behind
Dissatisfaction and selfish hunger.
It is deep and dark and bottomless.
What would happen if I opened my eyes?
Would the sand come in?
I’ll never know.

BCJ :-)(-:

[Lady Persephone]

This was written for my voice coach around eleven years ago:

I cannot ever have her, though my passion for her burn
Though the fire roars within me and imbues my taciturn
I cannot ever taste her, feel the softness of her touch
And receive all those caresses that would drown my senses much
Receive her in my bed of pleasure, rubbing off her bloom
Receive her, drug her, and intoxicate her in my room
I cannot drink the cream that holds her youthful frame upright
I cannot clasp her in my arms and hold her through the night
Though she be longing for me in a dream all of our own
That weaves the soft, uncertain evening where all dreams are sown
Though somewhat close to kin are we, both slaves are we to the pen
We cannot burn like flames together, forever trapped behind the mask of “friend”

BCJ

[Lady Persephone]

I wrote this one last night . . .

Quintessence

I never meant to live past twenty-five
The shapelessness of my care-worn life
Weathered down to aimlessness, to nothing

This listless, broken shell I call myself
Long lost its meaning, I don't know that crude reflection
My soul is weightless, like the wind I hear passing through the trees

I am the tree, the darkened ash tree
Like the black branches, they strangle the light
Shutting out the world, burying tomorrow

There is a song in my head, but tuneless
It raises itself to a clamour, a great din
Until I hear nothing, I find I can drown in the empty room

I wake on a cold, cheerless wood floor
Like a mental patient in a billowy gown
I was normal in my dream, I was the other me for a while

Sometimes I think I remember her
If only for a moment, she peers out at me
Hiding herself in a fragmentary dream

She doesn't mind that she is nowhere
No one, like an empty character in a meaningless play
But she is happy, cheeky, flitting about like a mad little bard

I could almost eat myself some days
The jagged hip bones thrust through my pants
The hollow feeling grips me, holding me down

I think I shall go on a long run
I don't care how far or where
I'll run until I lose the road, until I lose myself

And it won't matter that they won't find me
The collapse will be a victory
The sky will fall down to greet me, then forget I ever was

BCJ

[Lady Persephone]

I wrote this one yesterday . . . let's just say I'm going through hell right now . . . this is really my only outlet, besides starvation . . . .

Terminus

I'm so close to the edge
I can see over the side, the great precipice
Inside, my heart is crying out--jump off the ledge
The ocean of sadness falls over me, the avarice

Engulfs what is left of good sense
I want to dive down as far as I can into the underwater caverns of my grief
It is my only choice, my last defense
Turn myself over to the ravages of malicious despair, the thief

Sly in his tactics, knowing my every move
Pushing me, coaxing me--give yourself over to me
Eat at my table from the food of desolation, you've nothing left to prove
You can rest at last, find respite from the torment of your misery

Oh, I want to sleep
I want to disappear beneath the foam bubbles, sip from the wine of sorrow
I want to forget I ever had existence, drowning, drowning, down deep
Until I reach that place that is not a place, where there is no longer tomorrow

There is where I can find comfort, find myself again
Where I know the gentle grass above me rhythmically sways
To the falling of rejuvenating rain
And silent within that place where sadness ends is where my lost heart lays

BCJ

[Lady Persephone]

Here I go again . . .

I would impose on you

Contentment--how can you know me?
Do you know the hidden place where I conceal
All the bitter facets reflecting the empty,
Lonely, heartbreakingly disconsolate way I feel

I don't believe I've ever been acquainted with you
Don't know that you should ever care
But I know I've observed you from afar
And in thus doing so cannot blame you for never being there

It is a darkened state that possesses me
A loathing toward my form
Painfully aware that should anyone really find me out
Would certainly recede from me as if I were a harrowing storm

Oh, I wish you would pay me a visit
How exhilarating to awaken in your sweet arms
Far off are the strangling nightmares I dream
Far off are my dark thoughts, the threatening silent alarms

But I know you won't come calling
Your candor precedes you well
You'd rather engulf they with good fortune and common sense
Than a person like me who is better off entrapped in her own private hell

I see the rain is falling
Amid great tufts of frosted mist
Here will I take to my night-robe, the whispers wax around me
I will say goodbye to you whom I never knew, this I do insist

Contentment, you can watch me camphor down
Slowly and silently, willingly in the middle of the day
You can check my pulse to find it thready
Letting me find my way to you, leading me away

BCJ

[Lady Persephone]

Invection

So I starved myself today
To see if I could feel as bad as I do
You make me feel as useless as the scrap you threw away
I'm right back where I started, back to what I knew

If it wasn't for loving you, I might be in one piece
Dead if I hadn't, dead if I had
There's just no middle ground, no release
I melt into the floorboards, I am so hopelessly sad

I wish I had died long ago, at birth
When I still had a fighting way out
Instead I'm holding up all the global girth
Of the poor decisions I didn't think twice about

So I create my day devoid of nourishment
Of anything that could take my control away
It's my last playing card, my own personal punishment
You contemplate whether or not it's worth it to stay

I knew from the start I might drive you away
That the ugly part of me would find its way to the surface
I knew better than anyone there'd be a price to pay
It's time, my self-loathing was just the start, a preface

I don't think you could stand me anymore, why should you?
I bring you down, I make you worry
Each day the seeds of hatred grew
I knew mine would be a tragic story

Into my veins the sweet morphine flows
It's like my heart is gone, like the dark side of the moon
I watch as a spectator as my body goes numb, and nobody knows
I want to fade away from you, I want to do it soon

Sleepiness enfolds me like a warm eiderdown
I don't remember the last time I ate, so the drug works fast
I relish the peace, fearing it might shatter if I make a sound
My life, over-glutted with agitation is finally past

All my life has been a struggle, a battle for control
Each day I wake up to the awful unknown variables
One day a disease took my mind, how it happened I don't know
But the damage is done and my soul, unsalvageable

BCJ

[Lady Persephone]

Sun--you are no more

Sun--you are no more
Your warmth does not filter through
No longer opened is your door
Tears are filling up the sea
Black is the sky that once was blue
Let us weep for you Sun, let us no longer be
We shall let the clouds pass over
We shall let the grass grow tall
As the earth does fully cover
We'll forget all that has been
When the Sun does burst and fall
Oh! nevermore shall light be seen
Sun--you are no more, no more are you
And I am no more, no more--I, too

BCJ

[Lady Persephone]

Conversation with Myself

My friend, I know you haven’t been yourself lately
There are things that have been troubling you
I don’t pretend to not know what they are
You’ll tell me in your own time
But in the meantime, I want to tell you what I know to be true of you
For example, I know that you’re afraid to fall
Only because of your fear to let go
And the fear to let go stems from a fear to lose,
Which in truth is really the fear of becoming someone less
It’s okay . . . I know.
But what about becoming more?
Another example, I know you’re afraid of becoming comfortable around people
So you try hard to look comfortable when really
You’d like to walk out of the room and never return
This is only because of the fear of others discovering
That you’re someone less than you believe they thought you to be
But really, they know just as much about you as you know about them
And they’re probably thinking to themselves all the while,
“I wonder if she’s really comfortable around us?”
It’s okay . . . I know.
A third example, I know you’re afraid to gain weight
Now this has nothing to do with your being comfortable around people
But it does have to do with your being used to what you were in the past
It’s not that you liked yourself any better,
It’s mostly that you were comfortable with the way that you were
And any change in that would affect the way you think people perceive you
But hey, who are we kidding? Do they really care?
Everyone’s probably so worried about themselves that
They don’t have the time it takes to worry about the unfavorable direction you think
your appearance has taken
It’s okay . . . I know.
I also know about your fear of becoming one of those people
Who seem to be “in love with love”
So you hide yourself behind the word “romantic”
And continually comfort yourself with the thought
That you’ll probably never find your ideal anyway
So you’ll be single for life in the end, and it is a simple as that
This, believe it or not, is a byproduct of your
Fear of becoming used to yourself and the fear that seems to underlie everything,
The fear of letting go, losing, and eventually become something less
But really now, you know perfectly well that
You will find someone who won’t be anything like
Your ideal, thankfully, and who probably is plagued with just as many fears as you are
You’ll marry him because you know you don’t have to
Pretend to be someone else around him, and you can
Actually let him see you, fears and all, and not ever feel like running out the room
and never returning
It’s okay . . . I know.
Just one more, I promise.
I know that you think yourself to be afraid of life
When in fact you’re not afraid of life at all
You want to know what it is?
You’re afraid of yourself, and it is this fear
In the dictionary of your fears that is responsible for all the others
You are afraid of yourself because you think you don’t know yourself at all
And when we don’t know someone, we tend to not trust them very well
So we’ll build a wall around ourselves to keep from getting to know them
And you will never know them because you will never know yourself
Unless you stop being afraid of yourself,
Everything else you’re afraid of will cease to be.
You look surprised because you wonder how I know this to be true about you
I’ll tell you. I know it because I know myself
And I know the things that are true of myself, which
Consequently, are true of you.
It’s okay . . . I know.
I know there are things that have been troubling you lately
I don’t pretend to not know what they are
You’ll tell me in your own time
But remember my friend, I won’t be afraid of you
If you won’t be afraid of me.

BCJ

[Lady Persephone]

Coming to Terms

It's been too many hours, too many days
Since I've looked at myself, held my own gaze
Don't know who I am anymore
Can't help myself from wondering what I'm looking for
I fell into myself today
Sharp northern winds cut into me, the sky is a puddle of gray
I ran for miles into my isolation
And if I tried hard enough I could wake up in the next generation
I've been slowly killing myself and willing my life away
So I could wake up in a world where there's a reason to stay
The wrenching pain pins me down
I need a way out of this nowhere town
I am older than the pale moon
All my light has dimmed out into a shadowy afternoon
I can see the last fragments of this day
They are off-white, charcoal, pearl-gray
I don't know what to say
Don't know what you see
But I know it's not me
This shadow of a person, shadow of what used to be
Let it go, set it free
All that's left is empty

BCJ

[Lady Persephone]

Moirai

The darkening gray in the day wraps me up in its somber tone
Here I am with yet another day in my hands
The thought of this frightens me when I'm here on my own
Ice rain is falling in thick, sleek bands
I submerge myself beneath an amber-scented bath
It's my last comfort, unless I can sink beneath the foam, beneath the dream sands
Then maybe God will seek me in His wrath
Or deposit me in a place without walls, where I'd forever be alone
I'm suddenly on the other side
Of the mirror, of the glass where she is known
She is kind, with no barriers, and with her friends she 'd confide
There isn't a fear she hasn't outgrown
Yet, I'm here in my own danger zone
If life really is a journey, I've been strung along for the ride
Sometimes I think I'm ready to jump out of the car
And come crashing down, falling from inside
I'm sure I'll probably die on a Monday if it could be known
I saw from out of the celestial expanse, a tired little star
It was falling like I am, falling, falling far
And it was this event marked me for that from which I cannot hide
I shall supernova into this magnificent, manic meteor mar
Spinning out of control until the fragments drop down through the atmosphere
Penetrating that noble, nescient sphere
Where so many things I held were dear
Now all is void, all that was murky, clear
Down into eternity I can finally peer

BCJ