Desire to be skinny vs. fear of being fat.

[InternalDialogue]

My fear of being fat is greater than my desire to be thin. I have been underweight medically speaking, but I've never experienced what "thin" feels like if that makes any sense? I do, however, know what fat feels like and that is something I try to avoid at all costs.

[lastenlbs]

I lost weight at first because it felt good; then I was terrified of gaining weight.

[Belleann]

[QUOTE=weightlessrunner;336335]I think part of me wants to lose weight but the logical side of me just doesn't want to gain weight.[/couldn't have said it better myself.

[tripurity]

That's a good question. Before I came out to my husband about the ED relapse, I was restricting to lose weight. But now that I'm attempting to be somewhat in recovery, I'm restricting to maintain my weight. I do NOT want to gain, but I can't lose too much either or shit will hit the fan. I don't think I'm fat. I just don't want to be at an average/healthy weight either.

[pudgey2]

It's not so much as being scared of being fat, but more being scared of being average weight. It's stupid, I know. I don't even know what I look like, as the mirror body length in my home is crookedly made, and I'm too scared to look at public mirrors because that looks vain, and I don't trust them either... a lot pf them narrow you down. I'd have to gain around 40 lb to be the medicaly "ideal" weight for my height, but I don't care. I like weighing less. Right now I'm maintaining and even that feels wrong because the numer is not decreasing.

[esoteric-misfit]

Let's put it this way, if I stepped on the scale and found out I gained weight, I'd be upset but if I stepped on and found out that my weight stayed the same and I didn't lose anything, I'd be fine. So, I guess I have more of a fear of gaining.