Please Read This!

[epona]

i turned 19 only three days ago.
today i found out that i have advanced arthritis in my spine as well as nearly every other joint in my body, but its severe to the point of being debilitating in the joints of my back.
i am in severe pain (im actually crying from physical pain as i type this, i say this not to garner sympathy, but to make my point) from a stress fracture in my spine. the stress fracture is a result of osteoporosis, which is a result of my anorexia and not getting enough vitamins and nutrients, calcium in particular. over-exercising to the part of harming myself, diagnosed as exercise-bulimia, is the second reason for both the early-onset arthritis and the fracture of my spine.
i will be spending the next 4 months minimum in physical therapy with no other exercise. i have a horse that i can no longer ride. he doesnt understand why, and its killing me. riding was my only release from the depression from which i suffered even prior to my eating disorders, and now ive hurt myself past the point of being able to ride.
the kicker?
i started trying to recover a year and a half ago. i am currently at the high end of my healthy weight range, and have maintained this weight for a year. but the permanent damage that i did in only a little over 2 years of intensive anorexic behavior was enough to damage my body permanently and for the rest of my life. i will be dealing with the ramifications of my eating disorders for the rest of my life, both physically and mentally. even now i am horribly tempted to allow myself to relapse, in a misguided attempt to soothe my upset over all this, even though i know that it is the reason i am having these problems now.
i am sure there are others on this forum that have suffered horribly in terms of their health. only a few weeks ago one of my friends died of a heart attack from anorexia.
this disorder is difficult to get out of. but if we dont, the results can be fatal; and even if they are not, they are miserable. ill survive a broken back, but the pain is unimaginable and the damage, irreversible.
im not saying go out and order mcdonalds or go eat ice cream and a cheeseburger. im saying have soymilk and oatmeal or cereal and fruit for breakfast. have vegetables AND other things, not just a week of carrots. we need protein, and calcium, and all that good crap. we arent machines. we cant live on air. and we certainly cant live a life on the pain and unachievable dreams that anorexia tells us are necessary.
please think twice before deciding to fast or even severely restrict. we dont need to gorge ourselves or be fat...but we do need to eat to be healthy.

much love to all of you..

[abitdifferent]

modsssss get this stickied. it puts a great point across. the other has been deleted in the OP cuz this site has turned too pro ana lately in her workd. Bad story and I wish things look up for you cause going through that aint cool. certain types of people need to read and read and read this and think long and hard about what they think is cool to promote online without been affected. lord knows what damage I've done to myself fully but I wouldn't wanna just yet. Hope the therapy thing helps you out and gives you some more comfort from pain. <3

oh and I'm scared I'll die soon...dunno why ! :s don't fuck with ED's people...they are natural born killers

[epona]

thank you <3 even though i am no longer underweight, i still feel like i am fighting the anorexic's battle.
but im sure that there are some on here that have it much worse than me...i was just thinking of that as i was wallowing in my pool of self-pity. it made me want to reach out to everyone else on here...i wish that i could do something to help besides sharing what are really words.

[sunrayshay]

I think a lot of peole really dont think any thing will happen them because they don't hear enough about the long term consequences ! I wish we could make a sticky where each person posts what there "damage " is. Not as a contest but to show that it's not just a few people that suffer.
I'm sorry you have to go through something like this, at least now your body has fuel to heal.
( sorry if I don't make sence )

[epona]

i kinda hoped people would do that on this thread, actually. a sort of wake up call to those that are still in the early stages of their EDs and still in denial...

[Manolo]

Thankyou for sharing your story... I've been in and out of recovery and currently in a laps... Your story has made me start thinking about what i am doing!! i wish you all the best. x

[maylilahanamia]

I think the worst part (to me) about reading your story was the part where you can't ride your horse anymore. That would KILL me, because its my life and its what I live and breathe for. Olympics 2016 as an event rider is my life goaland if I lost that to something that I technically did to myself..I couldnt live with it.
Thanks for posting this, it has really made an impact on me, atleast...

[epona]

I think the worst part (to me) about reading your story was the part where you can't ride your horse anymore. That would KILL me, because its my life and its what I live and breathe for. Olympics 2016 as an event rider is my life goaland if I lost that to something that I technically did to myself..I couldnt live with it.
Thanks for posting this, it has really made an impact on me, atleast...

its the worst part to me, too...especially since i was jumping at a high level and riding every day...and the damage will always be a problem now. i guess you know since you ride too, about everything you have to do while youre riding...stiffness and even fully healed injuries really inhibit balance and affect the ride

[ToxicWaste]

I really loved reading your post. I am sorry about what you are having to go through. I think sharing your story could help some other members whose health hasn't had permanent damage yet. Maybe it could be a wake up call, even to the members who have damaged their health.

I know this is completely off topic, but I suffer from Juvenile Rheumatoid Arthritis. I was diagnosed at the age of 5. It is not related to my eating disorder, but I thought I should post it. It is just now getting to the point where I can control my pain and I am 21. There were times when I would have to miss weeks of school at a time because I couldn't stand, I couldn't walk. I definitely wouldn't have been able to sit in school for 8 hours just to listen to the teacher. I am not trying to scare you... Please don't take it that way. I really hope that therapy works for you. You will be in my thoughts and prayers. If you need someone to talk to, please feel free to pm me.

[crippled_wings]

i hear about the consequences constantly. have suffered some of the consequences. i refuse to get tested because I just know it will cost more money after that. My bones hurt constantly. Cant sit on my knees, the pain is unbearable on my bones, especially on a hard surface. cant lean up against walls/hard chairs, my spine sticks out and hurts me. occasional my abdominal/stomach walls contract so hard that i stop breathing and pass out....so whats stopping me from going for recovery? I havent blacked out yet, i havent collapsed, I actually called a therapist, left a voicemail, when they called back I ignored the call because I decided if i got therapy my weightloss would go on hiatus, and losing weight is more important than getting help with the disorder.

I know all the consequences. I suffer from them on a daily basis. But I dont want to stop. Logically I know I need to , emotionally I probably should, would fix a lot of issues. I want to get so bad i get admitted [into an eating disorder facility. messed up? yeah i know.