Well then i guess i'm back

[abcba]

Sorry this will be a long ranty post
I have a weird combination of ed and body dysmorphia, alongside binge eating disorder and healtb ocd.
So basically one side is saying im a fat filthy disgusting pig and the other side is reaching for the cake every time my stomach makes a little rumble.
I can't explain how frustrated i am. There are no words for how disgusting and fat i feel, people just think im being silly if i say im fat but to me i am filthy and digusting and wobbly and chubby and massive. I don't want to leave my house because i don't want people to see how fat i am.
Yet i can't stop myself from eating. I feel the urge come on and im like oh no, oh god no. and i eat. a lot. I have an anorexic mind with a chubby person's appetite. Where is my self control.
I tried countless times to 'get better' and be 'normal' but never succeeded. I recently came close but seing the fat pile on, my clothes get tighter and myself get bigger and more disgusting, panics me so much i feel like collapsing to the floor and dieing. The knowledge that i have a total lack of self contol over what i eat sends me into constant panic attacks. Knowing that i will never feel remotely content or be able to get on with my life until i lose 14lbs, but knowing i cant stop myself from eating no matter what... makes me want to kill myself.
I see no end to this. Will i ever have a life?

I hope someone managed to read through all this haha, but no hard feelings if you didn't i know it was long.
But yeah i'm back, i will never be able to get better and have a normal attitude towards food and body weight. Time to start losing weight again, i can't wait to get rid of some of this filthy fat.

[fairytalelover]

I actually feel like you are in my head and taken my thoughts and put them on here. this is EXACTLY how i feel. it just doesnt ever go away. I say to myself, i want to be "normal" again so i eat, but then i cant stop and then i binge and then i purge and then i feel worthless and then i say im going to make tomorrow better, and then the vicious circle happens again. I cant see a way out this.

I dont know how to be "normal" again, the idea of putting on weight terrifies me. all i do is think and talk about food and weight. i hate this. its a hopeless place to be.

[abcba]

Oh gosh that's exactly how i feel. It's a viscious cycle isn't it.
I feel like such a fake because i have an 'ed' yet i eat so much...

[fairytalelover]

Yeah exactly, I feel exactly the same, and I think we are around the same weight as well so we both seem to be in the same boat. Its so annoying because this time last year I was so in control and it was easy but somehow I lost the control and its all became one big crazy mess. I mean when I binge I eat a ridiculous amount of food, i mostly purge it back up (which i hate) and then promise it'll be different tomorrow. I have promised myself I will fast till at least saturday, I just really hope I can do this cos the lack of control over anything in my life is driving me insane right now.

[jupiter]

I feel the same. 3 years and I've lost like 25 pounds which is just abysmal because I've lost that much in a couple of months before! I always just binge or b/p gain it all back. So logically I know I have a serious ED but I still feel like such a fat failure and a fake. ._.

[BarbieGirl]

Oh hunni *hug*
Stay strong and remember that you are who you are and you make of life what you want.
I know how you feel about the feeling really fatty and horible.
I am 160lbs now and I feel like shit because I look in the mirror and think"wtf?! You fat and ugly"
I am always here to talk hunni!!
Well from now on!!

I'M BACK!!
And for good!!

Peace and Love
Barbie
Xx <3 xX

P.s stay strong hunni!!