I like to pretend to the world that nothing matters. I smile and nod or I give them a "whatever" stare... but deep inside I'm dying. And all of this is because I don't know how I feel. Literally. It's something called emotional amnesia... I know only what I am feeling IN THE MOMENT. So right now I "know" that this will pass and everything will be alright but at the same time I can't imagine it... literally.

I "know" I was happy.... no, strike that, I was content.... still to strong..... I know I WAS just a few minutes ago. Or well I suppose it's been about an hour... maybe two now.... time loses meaning. But anyway...

I'm just so sorry and down and GOD! T.T

It started when I went upstairs.... no, before that, when i was journaling my food for the day... I thought I'd done well but apparently for once I MASSIVELY underestimated... then I went upstairs and well I was going to the bathroom so I did my before and after scale ritual..... X.x Why did I bother? I hate my scale and yet it is my best friend. It never lies to me... In fact it smiles when I step on it and I see that I have gained again.... it inches up .1 by .1 . And then I read all that stuff about POA.... specifically the "chat" and.... I don't know I just don't know... And then people saying nasty stuff to each other... it's just too much for me to handle. I come on here to get away from everything, so that I have a focus and an outlet. I don't want my outlet to become the source of all my troubles.........

I guess it also has to do with my selective reality. If I don't want to see something I ignore it. But people don't LET me ignore it... I LOVE being ignorant sometimes.... I HATE fighting. Why can't we all just get along? Seriously, I have this thing where I REALLY don't understand longstanding grudges... I think it has to do with the whole emotional amnesia thing... I guess I think "if I no longer care about the matter why do you still care so much?" or "why are you still mad at me? I want to be friends again... What did I DO...?"

And that's another thing. I never know that other people think of me... and I HATE that. I need to always know where I stand with other people. Why can't people always be upfront with others? Why can't someone say "I don't know you but from what I've read I honestly think you are a wanna..." Which frankly pisses me off... that whole term. I mean I don't like the people coming on and asking how you lose 100lbs in 3 months but still.... there's no reason to be mean to ANYONE.... T.T

In the end.... I'm just fucked and depressed.