Just ranting, counsellors, weight, home

[Oce]

just random thoughts & stuff, i'm feeling kinda down,

i read "Stick Figure; a diary of my former self" by Lori Gottlieb. It was amazing. I loved her thinking process. She noticed things that other people didn't, and it made her awesome.

i hate being reminded of things I want to avoid :/ I'm sick of my computer crashing, of my RA knocking on my door bugging me about my classes & how I need to make an appointment with me pompous ass advisor. I want to deny everything & just feel SAFE. I miss being younger & knowing I had places I could go & ppl to help me. I hate feeling like I'm constantly on the brink of homelessness. I want a place where I can feel fucking safe. Sometimes I feel so scared about it, I wish I'd starve to death so I didn't have to worry about it.

I think it's funny tnow I've told my bf I want a break he's been messaging me alot more.

I know it's weird, but I wish I had empty prescription bottles. I'd put 5 chocolate covered raisins in each of them. Maybe that would force me to take them in responsible "doses"...meh

My best friend made me listen to a story, which I won't post it's name because it was so nasty it completely took me off eating meat.. Why aren't there any grotesque chocolate stories? Bug legs in snickers just don't do it for me.

So, my scale was confiscated two days ago. Apparently, having it only fuels my "obsession"..
What my mum doesn't realize is that NOT having my scale is even worse than having it.
Because now I feel like every little thing I eat will make me gain more and more weight and I don't get that tiny shred of relief at any time in the day when I can find out. I need to see a number or I can't eat at all.
In two days I feel as though I've gained 5 or 6 pounds, I hate myself so damn much.

It's 2:30pm and I've eaten a bite of an apple.
The first thing I did when I got to college this morning was throw my lunch in the trash, and I'm putting food off until the last possible moment, probably around 6:30-7ish when I have to sit at the table with everybody..

I have a doctors appointment in about tomorrow. To find out my blood test results, and tell her about my most recent panic attack.
I'm starting to think I need some kind of anti-anxiety medication before I just drop dead. They are getting progressively worse and scary.
Oh, and today I got put on a waiting list for Cognitive Behavioural Therapy. Barely any idea what that is but apparently it could help me since regular.
I have this new counsellor from the hospital, and today he contacted me, and "interviewed" me on the phone! Why would anybody be honest and open over the phone anyway? It was rather odd and awkward. =/ He knew more about me than I like.. stuff I don't remember telling anybody.
And I lied when he asked about how I'm eating nowadays, I said everything's fine.. ugh.
Good job, Oceaniana, start fucking things up by lying before you even give it a chance.

Anyway, I should stop ranting and wasting more peoples times.
To anyone reading this; stay strong! <3

[averageguy]

Good job about the lying about eating.

Hopefully he won't suspect a thing, leave you with an ED without help, and then visit you in hospital when you faint from not having enough energy to stand.

Personally, I'd favour hypnotherapy over therapy or counselling, but any kind of help is hopefully better than none at all.

[averageguy]

I'd be prepared to house/help someone temporarily if it was a serious situation with no other options. Nobody should have to worry about homelessness.