billy

I did b/p yesterday but for once I wasn't thinking, "f it, I should keep binging." The binge wasn't over 1,000 calories. I'm back on abc today and since the dining hall has limited hours today I don't foresee a problem. Usually I'd be really down on myself, but for some reason I feel ok, I feel determined!

Also, lately I've been thinking about age...I'm 20, when I turn 21 I will have officially had this eating disorder for HALF OF MY LIFE, that is a scary, sad thought. My therapist says it will never go away unless I am willing to let go forever. I want a normal life, I want to be able to eat and enjoy food, but I hate myself so much and this is the only thing that makes me feel better and it is the best way I've found to relieve stress. *sigh* Maybe if I can get to 90 (bmi 15.9) I can stay there and be ok. I want to be much lower, but I know if I got much lower my parents wouldn't hesitate for a second to go to court and try to take my rights away. I just want to be thin = I just want to love myself!