eem

Originally Posted by eem

I am 32 years old. I have found that no matter how much I try to love me, I probably never will! I will probably still hate the way I look even if I got to my goal weight of 125! I have battled bulimia since I was 14. I don't think it is something that ever goes away. When I find myself really hating me... it's what I turn to. I have been able to stop, but at some point I find myself doing it again. I am not a binge purger, I am the type that can eat an apple and I have to make it go away. What I do is wrong and unhealthy, but its the only control I have over the situation. So here I am!

I have hated me since I was probably 10. At 10 i was 160lbs, by age 14 I was making myself throw up on a regular basis. I continued this off and on until I was 17. I never got super skinny doing this, but i did maintain a healthy appearance. At age 19, I had my daughter, weighing a whopping 220! I am 5'2"! I began the whole process all over! Once I got myself down to about 160, I stopped. I tried to be healthy with my diet and I tried to exercise. I had my son at 22... back up to 190. Somehow I managed to lose that, only purging when I ate something real bad for me. Once again I was able to stop purging. Somehow, when my son was 4 I found myself weighing in at 209! I started counting calories, and just being careful. For 4 years I maintained a weight of 160. Then I left my husband. Gained 20 in 6months. Almost 2 years later, I am still there. I weigh 180 and am completely disgusted! I have done every diet in the book, not a huge exercise person, but I try!

I have reached total disgust. However this time, yo-yo diets don't work, counting calories isn't working... so it's back to slowly killing myself. This time around is proving to be quite difficult tho. It is harder for me now. See part of my head tells me it is so bad and the other part screams... you effn fat cow, you gotta do it! Another sad note for me... I do believe I have ruined my gag reflex! It is hell for me to get the stuff out... arghhh! I am at my wits end!