BanbhasDruid

Last year I realized (aswell as came out) that I was Bisexual and Transgender FTM. My Mom accepts and loves me for who and what I am which is great but that doesn't make it alright for me when it comes to how I feel inside my soul and especially how I view my body. It disturbs me to just be me because every time I look at myself I see a woman when most of the time I'm convinced I'm male! NO in fact I KNOW I'M MALE! And its Mother Nature who screwed me around. I feel cheated out of my own body because while other guys get to live their lives in a nice masculine figure I'm stuck in this pathetic girl one and I can do fuck all to change it.
I know why I have an Eating Disorder there is no mystery there whatsoever...I have one because I LOATH what I am, I am trapped in a woman's body, expected to be a woman and treated like a woman by society (aswell as the family who doesn't know) and it annoys me because what they see is so far from what I really am I cannot explain it. I have no POWER over what I look like on the outside other than thinness; I purge because when I shit my guts out I feel as if I'm ridding myself of this female body and all the hatred and anger I have towards God for putting me here in a body that contradicts EVERYTHING I AM! I take my hatred for God out on myself because I don't have enough courage to tell him how much I'll never forgive him for this!