janeir0

the last three days i did soooooo well. i'd say i kept under 800 calories each day, and if i went above that i went to the gym and burned it off so i was under the 800 mark.

i did good today as well. i got up to the 1000 calorie mark, which was sort of okay, because i'm losing fast than i need to be in order to reach my weekly goal target. (i'm already down 2.8lbs out of the 3.6lbs goal i had set for next friday the 10th). so i thought i'd be fine. then i went to work.

let me explain, i work at a home for people with mental disabilities. i take care of them (shower, feeding, changing diapers) and entertain them (games, puzzles, exercise activities, going out to restaurants, grocery shopping, etc). since school has started, i only do overnights (10pm-8am) so i pretty much just chill on my own for ten hours. its a ridiculously easy job and i have a lot of free time.

another lady who works here likes to make a lot of baked goods, and there is always food here i could never make on my own. so it's ridiculously hard for me not to binge.

anyway, i just binged.

i think i had like 40-50 tatertots with cheese and a LARGE piece of cake. i had a few bites of taco pie, and a bite of tuna salad, and a bite of noodles & spaghetti sauce. and a milk. and a diet soda.

i know that doesn't sound like much, but my stomach is soooo full right now. i think that's like 1000 calories.

i used to have way worse binges. i could eat an entire tombstone pizza to myself, along with a pint of ice cream, a small bag of chips, and a box of gummy snacks.

so i'm not freaking out too bad. this is actually kind of an improvement than how i used to be. but still.... grrr..... all that hard work down the effing toilet.

i even thought about purging, but i don't want to do it. i HATE HATE HATE HATE puking. like more than the average person i think.

this all started when i was around 230lbs (i'm 5'10). i started having problems with my gallbladder last year, and it would cause bile to go into my stomach (this was especially after a binge on fried/fatty foods). i didn't care though, and i'd still eat a lot of horrible foods that were not good. pizza, bags of chips, donuts, etc etc. i was a food addict, and i wasn't always guaranteed to have a problem, sometimes i'd be fine after eating a shitton of junk food.

but then other times i'd have the "attacks". it'd be at night, and it was the worst effing pain i'd ever felt in my life. it would hurt like some was stabbing me in the side for 5-8 hours in a row. i'd lay on the floor of my water almost crying. and then i would throw up 1-4 times over the course of the next two hours. it would just happen. i'd have to drink sooo much water because towards the end all i would be doing is puking up bile. it was so disgusting. and i couldn't even go to sleep because it hurt too much, and if i tried to take sleeping pills i would inadvertently throw them up. the taste of puking of chemicals is sooooo disgusting and bitter.

this started happening christmas 08 (a hellish way to spend christmas eve b/c i had no clue what was going on and i was too scared to tell my mom...) and lasted until after christmas 09. i had my gallbladder surgically removed a few days before new years.

after that i felt soooo much better. i could eat whatever i wanted again. that led to ridiculous amounts of binging. i gained 30lbs in 3 months. i was up to 260lbs, and i felt soooo gross.

and that's when i started this "diet".

i switched out extremely unhealthy overeating tendencies for other extremely unhealthy under-eating tendencies. i've lost like 90lbs. it's awesome.

i guess that was pretty rambling, but i think that helps explain why i don't throw up. i had to do it too many times when i was in horrible excruciating pain and i therefore associate it with negativeness. pavlov's dogs, etc.

maybe some other time i'll talk about