I have to do it
by, 08-18-2012 at 12:57 AM (202 Views)
This is insane. I have to climb down from my skewed anorexia-puke fest pedestal. I can blame social influence, family, stress, whatever else, and it's true, I'm not so emaciated I'm hooked up to a tube and I haven't gone into cardiac arrest from purging. But my face is DEAD gaunt. And I am so preoccupyingly hungry. I'm barely motivated to see my friends or work or even live my life because it all seems so unimportant compared to food. I am loveless, bony, frigid, and un-horny. I'm like what does any of this matter? When do I get to eat again? I have to break the loop. It has been a looong year of deprivation, loneliness, and lack of control for me. I am ready to STOP purging and start eating like a responsible adult. No more skipping meals, no more chew spit, no more wolfing things down intending to barf them up minutes later.
There has to be more out there for me than this. No one but I can help me find out, though...
Also I am cracking my ass down on 1500 for a week tops then 2000 and 2500+ tops after that. hopefully school doesn't stress me out. Enough of being jealous when I read about my friends recovering, getting to eat all these awesome things. I deserve good food too!!