by, 06-25-2012 at 08:19 PM (189 Views)
I was pulling everything together. Everything was good. I finally got a job, I had my life in order. I've been really positive and I have been eating really well. Actually listening to my body, eating healthy foods, when I felt like I was going to restrict, I made a plan to eat for days in advanced and got to cross them out when I ate them- like a list of things to do, but for eating...Then my life comes crumbling down. I feel fat and disgusting. I don't want to eat. After I ate, I made myself throw up. Made everything worse. Now two days later I still feel like I am going to throw up everything I eat. I am super bloated now because of it. I feel like complete shit. I want to die. My parents divorce is at an all time low. I still haven't received my financial aid from my school. I am freaking out. I really just wish I could take a car drive really really fast then jump out of it and fly away. I'd be lighter than air and I could just float away. And no one could judge me or tell me I can't be perfect. No one could take me down. I want to tell myself that I'll be okay tomorrow, that I'll eat right, because I have something to live for, but that is not how I feel... I feel like I want to die. I feel like I would rather be dead than feel the way I do right now. I want to be back at my lowest weight. And just keep going until I can fly. I hate this.
this is all because of my fucking coach. She triggered me again. This is the second time. I can't keep doing this. I can't. I just can't. I just want to be perfect. I just want to be perfect and thin.
thank god I don't have a car, because I would probably drive it into the ocean. And never come back.
I have never been this bad before. Never.
And it's because I have been working so hard, and it still isn't enough for some people. I give up. I just give up.
I have been defeat.
I cannot be saved.
Tomorrow I will go to work and live on water.
I like always will pretend everything is great. I will have a smile on my face. But on the inside, in reality, I will be wishing that I was dead, and that the world would end.