icebite

I'm still in the psychward. And I think I'm starting to belong here, cause I am seriously going insane. I'm involuntarily commited, and the courtorder has to be retryed every now and then, and I'm going back to court in a few weeks. My lawer says I dont have a chance. My doctor filed for a special long-term order, which basically means that it wont have to be retryed foranother 6 months, and according to my lawer it is going to be aproved, no doubt. I fail at everything. I was transfered to an E.D ward but was sent back cause I went nuts a couple of times (screaming, wrestling nurses, throwing plates) which made me a negative influence on the other patients. I think I've only been here for about 3 months but it feels like forever. The other patients come and go but I'm staying. It's an emergencyward and the medium stay is 3 days. They dont know what to do with me cause no other ward will take me. I'm such a fuckup. And I'm sick of being among these people. I have a couple of really amazing friends (my roomate being one) but the ward is mostly filled with middle-aged psycotic or manic people and some of them are really challenging to be around, even tho some are really awesome and intresting to talk to. Every now and then young borderlinegirls are admited, and I get happy everytime. I miss being around people my age. My roomate is 29 and except for me she's the youngest patient right now.

I see the sun shining outside my window and I would love so much to go outside for just a while. I would die just to go out and sit at the bench outside the hospital main entry for a few minutes. I miss the feeling of sunshine on my skin,the smell of grass and flowers, and the sound of people lauging having fun. All I feel right now is the tention in the air, all I can smell is hospital soap and bleach, and all I hear is the sound of alarms going of and crazy people screaming in the corridor, along with the occasional cry from a desperate young girl trying to escape her own thougths. I wish I could go out and enjoy summer like everyone else instead of watching it pass by through these security windows.