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(Just a warning, I may post a lot of triggering stuff, so be careful)

I've been dealing with disordered eating for a while. Never been diagnosed with anything except depression. Been self harming for around 3 years, on and off. I've had periods of normal eating. I started ballet and realized I was losing muscle and got scared. But that didn't last long.

I've always been kinda weird about how I look, body wise. I never cared for my make up or hair, in fact I go weeks without brushing it. But when it comes to my stomach/thighs/arm/butt/etc, I was always dissatisfied.

Around a year ago, I hit a rather low point and was barely eating. I started losing weight and realized, I liked it. I didn't lose much, just a few pounds. Then I'd binge and gain it back. That went on for a while. Then I went back to eating normally, but I wasn't exactly happy about it. I just tried to not think about it.

Then I went back to trying to 'diet', aka eat very little. Same thing happened. I'd lose a few pounds, then binge and gain, then lose again, then binge again. That went on for a very very long time. I started at 119 and never got below 113. 115 was usually the lowest I got before I binged.

One day, it was like a switch and flipped and everything came easily, if that makes sense. I was eating less than 500cals a day, without problem. I binged maybe once a week and it wasn't even that big of a binge. I dropped weight rather quickly. I got to around 104 and my mother threatened to take me out of dance if I didn't eat. The day after that, I found out a friend of a friend might have a brain tumor. I didn't sleep that night nor eat and I did nothing but cry. When I finally did sleep and woke up, it was like another switch was flipped. I started eating and I didn't stop. This was around the beginning of December. I ate and ate and ate and ate and then I would purge everything. And then start again. This happened pretty much everyday in December and January, even after we found out it wasn't a brain tumor. I fell out of my tree for some reason and found it hard to pull myself back up.

Over the course of the last month, my mental state declined as did the enamel on my teeth. I became very suicidal, overdosed twice. it wasn't enough to land me in a hospital but the one time it was enough to make my hands and face swell and I couldn't get out of bed because I would faint.

I got sick of it so I broke down told my mom I had been b/ping a lot and currently she's trying to get me to see a psychologist. I didn't tell her I had been starving myself though. At the moment, I'm still b/ping quite a bit, but my binges are getting rather smaller and in turn I'm purging less. I'm stuck in between 99 and 100 pounds. Unfortunately, I don't gain when I binge provided I purge it. That just makes me feel like it's okay to binge though and I hate it. Hopefully, things will start to get better though. This post didn't really have a point, it's just kind of a intro I guess.