The comfort zone, a bad habit

[Night-butterfly]

Hello

Well, I have decided to share what’s on my mind because I’m going crazy right about now.
My problem with food goes back 3 – 4 years ago. I had a normal girlish figure but I felt horrible. I lost around 8 kilos and I felt amazing, but my life turned when my father began pointing out ‘’how it was unbelievable that my skinny figure could do so well in school’’ and etc. Most of the things he said were hurtful and we ended up in a huge fight. I haven’t spoken to him or seen him in 2 years since that fight.
During that time I hated my self so much, and although I hated food… I let it destroy my body by overeating and throwing up.

Before my problems with food started I had problems with me in general. I started cutting myself and I still do. I have taken on 20 kilos extra since 4 January 2007. In over 2 years I have been stuffing my face full with food. But still I can’t relax without counting every calorie intake or throwing up when I’m full. I have also been a crappy friend; if I have binged one day I will cancel all my plans the same day and just hate my self even more than I do.

I’m not happy anymore… I used to be… when I was thin, and in control. But I have fallen into this comfort zone and it is a hard habit to break. But I’m still standing and fighting!

But there is a thing that complicates the battle against food. I’ve gotten many stretch marks including lots of scares. I’ve even got cellulites and I’m just a teenager… sometimes I think ‘’ what’s worth fighting for when my body is broken?’’ But I know that I’m worth fighting for and if I’m unhappy with the fat, sloppy me… then I must do something to make myself comfortable with myself and happy again. I will work hard to get my body back, although I know it won’t be the same as before, but I will at least be happy again =)

So to all of you with the same problem… if it makes you happy it’s worth fighting for.

Thanks for listening

[pinkprincessbelle]

I had the worst stretch marks on my boobs cause when I was a teenager they just sprouted overnight! But they faded over time so don't worry so much! When I first got them it was like someone had gouged my boobs but now they are very faint.

[nothungry]

It's scary how comfortable self-destructive cycles can be.

i remember how horrified i was as a teenager to see these bright red stretch marks appear all over me. looking back now, i wish i was as thin as i was then! don't worry, stretch marks fade over time. i've seem some women with stretch marks that have a silvery sort of iridescent appearance which can be quite beautiful in the right light.

scars are a little more complex, however with a different perspective they can also be beautiful. don't get me wrong, i'm not saying masochism is pretty, but scars are a symbol of healing. i lost a job once because i was too busy worrying about bleeding through my jeans or that my sleeves would roll up too high to concentrate on my work. i know how hard it is to take control over your body when your body is consuming your thoughts, and how hard it is to take the first step towards healing. i went through many different counsellors before i even began to address what was causing it all, but i also dropped about 10 kilos when i started on antidepressants!

i know exactly what you mean about being a crappy friend too. it's so hard to talk to anyone when you feel like you should be leaning over a toilet bowl. i find that if i make myself go and see friends even when i don't want to, it stops me from eating more because i'm too embarrassed to binge in front of them.

try to stay positive and active, as difficult as it is. it's taken me ages to stop cutting myself, and i still struggle with it daily, but i now wear my scars as a sort of badge of honour to show what i've overcome. these marks on your body may be permanent, but that doesn't mean that you'll be like this forever.

[vanessa]

its like your self esteem is so low that you almost deserve to be fat. i used to overeat and slice my legs and i told my self i deserved it no one loved me anyway may as well make it easier. i was so low that i allowed food and self harm 2 be my escape.

im covered in stretch marks on my legs,hips boobs(almost like scars so i understand) and scars from self harm all over my legs so i understand that to. howd you stop?? used to fink didnt matter if i ate loads i was ugly anyway cusa my scars yet id keep doing it.
now iv lost weight i still feel ugly. like im lying to the world who see me as slim and apparently pretty. but without the clothes and makeup and confident smile i feel like nothing. feels like theres nothing to do but lose weight i CANT put on weight and remaining the same weight seems impossible. so im constantly struggling. im ranting lol needed to let some emotion out and lettin u know i understand

[Night-butterfly]

It's good to talk about it with people who understand.
I totally know what you mean about '' I'm fat anyways and do not deserve better'' - thinking. It's hard.

I'm fighting the urge to cut myself everyday. I hate my body, and I know that it is all my fault because of my lack of control over food. It is a battle that I'm not going too lose.

I wish you best of luck =) I have really found this forum a lot helpful because of all the support.

[LiquidSkies]

I started cutting myself when I was 12 or 13, and continued it for years. Then I met my (now ex) boyfriend who told me to stop and I did. Damn it was hard and I put almost all my self-control in it --- for nothing.

I was ''clear'' for two years but soon after we broke up I started to cut again. I used to cut only places that are not seen, like my thighs and breasts and waist but now my wrists are also scarred. And it sucks.

And I also gained 10 kilos from my lowest weight (which is only 42 kilos and I'm 155 cm tall :( ) and I've gotten rid of only about half of it so far.

But I won't lose either! Food is for people and not the other way round! I hope that one day I'll be happy without food and I that can look at bad foods without wanting to see them ever again. ;)

[saryndipitous]

Part of the reason I want to be thinner is to compensate for how ugly all my scars from cutting make me look. I've been "clean" since July, but lately I've been sooo tempted. Those of you who've stopped, how did you make the impulse and desire go away? I've been able to use various skills, like DBT and sheer will power to not give in, especially the last few days, but I don't know how long I can hold out... Especially since I made this deal with myself a while ago, "don't eat, don't cut", but if I eat, then I need to punish myself with cutting. One of the main reasons my ED developed was as an attempt to stop cutting.

[LiquidSunnshine]

I couldn't find a way to stop cutting or burning... I did both so I switching to punching myself in bony areas... It hurts like hell, relieves me but doesn't scar. That's how I deal... not the best but it was all I could manage.

[LiquidSkies]

Part of the reason I want to be thinner is to compensate for how ugly all my scars from cutting make me look. I've been "clean" since July, but lately I've been sooo tempted. Those of you who've stopped, how did you make the impulse and desire go away? I've been able to use various skills, like DBT and sheer will power to not give in, especially the last few days, but I don't know how long I can hold out... Especially since I made this deal with myself a while ago, "don't eat, don't cut", but if I eat, then I need to punish myself with cutting. One of the main reasons my ED developed was as an attempt to stop cutting.


When I really wanted to cut myself but couldn't, I wrote "I want to cut myself" over and over again...kinda stupid but as I was doing something else with my hands it made resisting the urge to cut easier. I also knitted (it didn't work very well though :D ) and bit my lip. And pressed my nails against my skin.

[bluebutterfly]

its like your self esteem is so low that you almost deserve to be fat.

you said it