Rant, but please respond: Exams oh help oh god oh no oh fuck oh dear :(:(:( HELP

[perfectdoll]

okay I need to rant ... please bear with me:

(Quick background: Fresher, just started at uni in the UK, studying Ancient History therefore lots of reading therefore lots of essays therefore in deep, deep shit right now.)

So shit. I have exams on Friday and I've done NO revision and I mean ABSOLUTELY NONE. I'm still catching up from last term and I haven't even done that yet and I feel like such a failure :( It's not like I don't enjoy the class or anything but I am so depressed I have absolutely ... no motivation to work at all...

I feel like I've let myself down... I used to be the perfect, model student - like, wonderful and geeky lol and enthusiastic and determined to succeed - now I just can't be bothered with anything. I can't concentrate, can't sit still, can't work, can't smile.... I've let everyone down.

I'm so behind in my reading I'm just really worried because my essays have fallen behind and my tutor says I might have to take a year out. I don't want this to happen. But it might just... I missed like 4 weeks at the end of last term (my b/p cycle/depression got REALLY bad) and so I've missed tonnes of work...

I was going to revise today - I really was - but I couldn't because I was so hungry and all I could think about was FOOD and everyday just FOOD and more FOOD and I can't get it out of my head and I'm not losing weight either and I just feel like such a f*cking failure. I've locked myself in my room because of this stupid ED and I'm isolated and lonely and all the while I smile and pretend to be cheerful when I DO see people but I'm so lonely, so lonely :( ... I just feel like throwing in the towel altogether.

... help.

I feel so empty of emotion these days I can't even cry. And there's no one else I can talk to right now :(

[kallista93]

God, that is so familiar. I totally flaked out of college my first go at it, and now I'm in my 30s and going back to get a 2nd - useful - bachelors, so I've been there.

Try to focus on finishing this semester if you can. As for the food, try to set up a meal plan. Spend just a couple hours researching what you feel safe eating everyday, even if you are eating the same thing every day, and use it and don't think about it. Make sure you have a little something every 3 hours or so to keep your blood sugar up. Don't overdo it on the exercise, but do something, maybe just 30 minutes a day. If you overdo it you won't have the energy to work. Believe me, I know how important your weight is to you, but try to put it on the backburner for this little amount of time. Your brain actually will take you farther in life than your body, believe it or not. And if you have a set plan you don't have to think about, and that keeps you from feeling very hungry, your less likely to obsess and have a stress binge.

Even though you are behind, just do your best and try to focus. It will be over soon, and do consider taking a lighter courseload in the future, if you can. Taking time off - it's a personal decision, but if you do take time off, use it to get your head together and get back in.

I wasted my 20s and all my opportunities, and now I'm trying to catch up. It's not impossible, it's never too late to start over - but if you can avoid falling over the edge, try to. I guess what I'm trying to say is, having a meltdown right now in your life isn't the end of the world, and you can reclaim your life again - I mean, I'm not the most miserable example of humanity there is - but at the same time, you will be better off in the long run if you learn to cope now. It may require time off and treatment, but for right now, try to finish the classes you've started, and focus. Save the breakdown for your next vacation.

And vent to us whenever you need to, it helps to just talk (or type) it out, too.

[bumblebee]

oh hunny im so sorry you're feeling like this.
i can definitely empathise, I couldn't sit still and concentrate in my exams, and now im finding it hard in lectures because its on wooden benches and like it hurts to sit on them. I also feel really similar about having to pretend to be cheerful when you're really lonely and so on.
Talk to your tutor, tell them how much you're struggling. If you have to take a year out, its rubbish but maybe a good thing? Then you can come back and be more happy and enjoy it more?
x

[HanaHollywood]

fuck it 40% :)
don't sweat it all my uni mates are saying the same thing but you only need 40% to continue the course

so cram for now and you will be amazed at how much you have retained

[perfectdoll]

hey guys

Thank you so much for the responses. I've been talking to my tutor and they know (generally) what's going on (I've given them the impression it's basically depression, which is true lol but they don't know about the ED). He was really good about it- I sat the exam today. Luckily it doesn't count towards my degree, but there's lots of pressure you know? Anyway, he let me just write essay plans instead of answering the Qs and they're allowing me to do a retake at the beginning of the summer term. :]

A year out is still a possibility though, depending on how I do this term. A few weeks in a place like this can mean that one has no choice but to take time out :/

@bumblebee: how do you manage to juggle essays and ED habits? plus the balance between feeling obliged to socialise and yet not wanting to at all? I can't figure it out. It drives me nuts!! I have to eat meals with everyone else (no catering) so I tend to skip which means I don't see people much.

@hanahollywood: that's a good point lol! it helps to keep things in perspective! Though I need a decent degree, I want to achieve so much... but my dreams are so hard to get... lol I remembered more than I thought I did - impressive considering I didn't even make notes - so I hope I can spend the Easter vac catching up.

Thank you for responding though guys, it's helped me feel loads better... you guys really understand!!! :)

perfect doll xxx