I wish I had a time machine

[ohmyclapton]

After being diagnosed with ana at 14, I was in recovery for 3 months and got back to a 'healthy' weight. Everyone walked on eggshells around me, subtley watching me at dinner, constantly asking if I've eaten that day.
I don't know what triggered me but I knew the only way to get everyone off my back was by eating, but of course I couldn't handle absorbing all those cals.
I began purging once a week, then once every other day, once a day, now its multiple times a day. Some nights I keep the sessions in bingepurgebingepurge till its late in the a.ms, my throat raw, hand cramped, and stomach bloated.
I'm starting college soon and I have no energy, my muscles are fatigued and I truly believe I'll have a goddamn heart attack if I don't stop.
Not only have I wasted hours doing this disgusting addiction, but also all the money and lies and distress I caused my mom.
she knows I purge so now I have to do it in my room, or make excuses to go outside.
I've even skipped school a couple of times just to stuff myself silly at a restaurant in a foreign town and purge in the woods or an alley.
The past two months have been slightly better, only down to b/p maybe 3x a week, but its only because I'm fasting the rest of the time.
I can't imagine how my body will survive by my 20th birthday. I'm 17 now and I'm so upset over the damage I'm doing.
I wish I was normal =/

[shadowboxer]

i know exactly what you mean about wishing to be normal
i was so thin when i was a little girl, i mean extremely thin,
but then i started worrying about food as a joke and then it became real
and now i have this addiction for food. im almost 17 now so maybe i do understand how you really feel about lying to your mom too.
i purge usually twice a week, but im trying to do it just once a week.
try to do the same
set up goals and try not to break them.
remember to control yourself and change candies for fruits (which are sweet aswell and easy calories to burn).
finally, if you don't want to be listened to when purging, turn on the shower and turn the music volume up as well, that way your mom wont notice.
remember to wet you hair before you leave the bathroom though.

[model]

EXACTLY wot u have described i have had, its amazing ure whole day can be a binge/purge day. u know the only way of getting out of it while u can (and u WILL keep putting on weight doing wot ure doing, cos i have been exactly there!) is by giving yourself a calorie limit for the day, and this means yes u can eat wot the fuk u like, and purge if u want, but once ure past your limit/ ure past it and can then eat nothing or in desperate times protein or vagatable (no more carbs/fat). this is wot ive been doing and slowly im slipping back to ana, its great, my heart isnt having funny rythems/i am losing weight, and my ana instinct is becoming stronger saying less calories, less calories each weak. so please try as soon as u can. give yourself a limit! and ure ana will definatly grab its chance with u again, only difference is this time do NOT surpass the weight that people will throw u back in rehab again, otherwise mia will be back, mia is fuking terrible i know!!!!xxxxxxxx