im back and im pissed off

[sarah-charlotte]

i have had an appallingly bad weekend with my mother and her kitchen filled with crap, then got back to find out that my stepmother has banned me from Christmas because she doesn't want my negativity to ruin the day for her. my dad personally invited me to spend Christmas with him and my siblings and i was really looking forward to it and for that bitch to take it away from me is gutting. iv gone from crying to confusion to anger, now I'm fricking pissed! i was hoping that this would be a good day, a new start with my books and scales and diet plan but shes ruined it. i had just convinced myself that a new week and a new start was all i needed, id calmed down and was looking forward with excitement and optimism. now my whole week will be angry and i hate restricting when I'm angry, i tend to take things to the extreme and fall over! :( aaahhhhhhhhhh sorry about the rant but had no one else to scream at. x x x
oh and i found out that id not lost as much as i thourt, only a stone in 2 weeks, that's pathetic. I'm now an 8 stone fat mess. god this week better be a good one, cant stand all this fat hiding my bones. i just want to be me again, little 92lb me. things are so much easier to handle when your safe in the knowledge that you are actually thin.

[Professorana]

I'm sorry that really sucks about the holidays. I'm in a bit of the same boat with my Dad and his girlfriend in that she won't let him spend the holidays with his kids, rather, she wants him all to her children and herself. I've come to dislike them a tad for reasons other than all the disgusting food around.

I had a miserable weekend because my husband was home since Friday which means he constantly wants to be eating. I binged twice but worse when I tried to purge the strain it was putting on my heart scared me too much so I couldn't get any of it out again. So now I'm sitting here like a fat lard with giggly thighs. Last night I HAD to eat at my Godmother's house but I ate as little as possible. I didn't dare try to purge since my husband is on to me now and waltzes into the bathroom after me to make sure I'm not purging. ARGH!

Today was fine--5 cherry tomatoes for dinner and a lot of smoking.
Tomorrow 5 radishes for dinner:)

[pinkprincessbelle]

Oh sarah-charlotte you poor thing! Thinking of you! You too Professorana! Hope things are going better now 4 u both. Don't worry........I'm with u I thought I had lost more too! I'm off on an overnight excursion (actually 4nights/5 days) to some dance performances with my students and don't know how I'm going to hide it from them and the other teacher coming with me!!!! Colleagues starting to get very suspiscious too.........but hell.....I'm getting a shitload of work done! No meaningless time spent eating! Ha Ha!:D

[Professorana]

Thanks Belle,
Things are going much better and I'm out of the binge/purge cycle of hell. People are starting to comment on how much weight I've lost and how I look great, blach--all lies. I have masses to go still. Good luck with you're trip. I hate having to put on the "eating performance" for other people. It's so frustrating. I carry around the healthy stuff that vegans are supposed to be eating for protein and fat (nuts, seeds) so people see me with the baggies, but I never actually ingest any of it. Good luck. You're stong.

[sarah-charlotte]

today is a new day, feeling much better and have lost 2lb over night so i'm doing something right! I'm restricting to 300 a day this week and doing a juice fast on Thurs and fri so i should have a tiny waist for the weekend but i am going to make a point of not eating when I'm at my dads, in fact I'm not going to eat for the whole weekend. i don't normally do that as it upsets them but fuck it they really hurt me and i know its childish but i don't care.
:)
oh and I'm busy re-reading thin by grace bowman - love this book, its amazing motivation, thinspiration and well comforting is the wrong word but i really do love reading about people that understand all my secret fears and panics. if any of u haven't read it yet i highly recommend that u go get a copy. its amazing. just be careful with the last couple of chapters as she does go through recovery in the end.

[pinkprincessbelle]

Me pissed off too now!!!!!! My flatmate had to sign for my Hoodia! Would have been ok if he hadn't suspected anything! Gave me an ultimatum! We r going to move out if u don't get help. I'm already eating at night and just fasting during the day to try to stop them worrying about me! I so could just not eat at all cause it feels as if I could do it easily! Feel so nauseous when I force myself to eat with them! Even have my snacks (rice crackers) before I go 2 bed 2 try to show them I'm fine! Blargh! What can I do they r forcing me 2 get treatment! I hate the guilt trip! It doesn't help 4 fucks sake!!!!!!!!!!!:mad::mad::mad::mad:

[sarah-charlotte]

I really don't know what I can say to help, luckily only two people know iv gone back to ana and neither of them are going ott or asking me to get "better".
As much as this hurts now are u sure u couldn't do without these flatmates? I think it has come to the point where u need to make a choice - ana or flatmates. which can u live without? I know u probably care about these people (they sound like worried family) but I don't think u can have both. I'm so sorry but that's what I think. Either they can accept that this is the life u have and that u are not going to change, or u part ways.
Sorry :(

[pinkprincessbelle]

I know....OUCH!!!!!!:mad::(:(:(

[ella_bella]

Personally, I'd call their bluff!! They're trying to use emotional blackmail. So don't let them. They won't move out.

[sarah-charlotte]

either they will move, u will move or they will accept it, it will hopefully be the latter as we all need real friends now and then.
cant write much else as I'm soooooo fucking tired, feel like I'm on auto pilot - not really here. iv passed into the tired and cold stage of ana that id conveniently forgotten about. god i cant believe i worked another 12 hour day today, this is what will kill me not ana! on the bright side I'm too tired to even think about eating, just going upstairs is an effort right now, i think its coz i dropped my cals drastically after my bad weekend and now my body is freaking out! god i feel like death! see this is why you should never go into recovery - guess i just have to let myself adjust to starvation mode again. wish my weight reflected my mood though, that would be nice! never used to feel like shit until i hit 103lb ish.

[pinkprincessbelle]

It's okay I think. Had a massive chat with the other flatmate. He did a deal with me that if I had dinner last night he would give me back my pills (which he did). There was even a note in there saying he knew he was going to get in heaps of shit for giving me them back (my other flatmate is his boyfriend) and that he knew it wasn't my fault I was like this. He even went mad at his bf for putting the guilt trip on me. He had done some research to try to understand and I told him the worst thing to do was to force food down my throat and blame me for being this way cause it would just make me more determined to starve myself and self harm.

He signed the note with 'Love you'. It was the first thing I read this morning when I woke up and made me cry (in a good way). So I came out and gave him a big hug!:)

[Professorana]

I don't know why people think that forcing an ana to shove food down her throat is going to make anything better. It's not about the fucking food--why don't people get that? I'm glad your friend did some reading and is more supportive of you now--you can't "fix" an ana. She has to decide for herself what she is going to do. The only thing friends can do for us is love us and support us--the rest is up to us. I think people just want to make themselves feel better by watching us eat--it's for their own self gratification--"look the skinny girl is eating" rather than really understanding what it takes for us to recover. As much as my therapist is a bit of pin head as far as the remarks about caloric intake--she does understand that rest of my life needs to be sorted out in order for the ana to go away. What she dosen't know is that I'm not letting ana go--not by a long shot. I'm happy to sort out the host of other problems in my life if she wants to sit and listen to them but I'm not talking about ana with her.