Just a thought: I'm freaking out.

[ladylazarus_in_plaster]

So, I've come to terms with the fact that, in addition to my ana/mia, I may be developing a slight issue with illegal substances. The fact that I've taken hard drugs TWICE this week since Monday is pretty screwed up. Not to mention the fact that we smoke green...everyday.

I know it's mostly the ED. Because pot makes you thinner if you don't eat on it and hard drugs thin you out. I'm just scared because B and L want to introduce me to all sorts of new things...

And I know, if I try that, eventually it won't be pretty.

I can still say "no" to drugs, and all that, so I know I'm not addicted yet, but I'm starting to feel a constant pull toward taking, say, a diet pill or amphetamine.

I guess I just feel really down lately, and these things help me get through it. Sadly. Now that I have antidepressants, hopefully they'll help more. But I can't help but marvel at the fact that doing these things has made me understand so many new things.

Basically, I just don't know what to do. It feels like everything around me is just...chaotic. Falling apart.

[frailfaerie]

A warning..it can become a real vicious cycle, I started taking ecstasy and ampetamines to cope with moving to a new country and feeling lonely and vulnerable, I'd already lost a lot of weight through my ED and constant homesickness and was painfully thin and the drugs really tipped me over the edge into emaciation. I ended up in IP weighing just 79 lbs and at 5 7 I started getting chest pains and my arms were so weak I could barely lift a sppon to eat. thats just horrendous even for me as a longtime ana.

ED's are difficult enough without adding a potential drup problem..I just wish I could have used them more sparingly..maybe once a week and not at all.

[ladylazarus_in_plaster]

Yeah, I noticed that they significantly reduce my appetite. It's almost like I have none. When I take E, I do have to purge the morning after because ED's and E trigger the same receptors in our brains. Pretty much, this means that the high I get from b/p counteracts the lack of endorphins I have from the E.

And I did E twice this week. I still can't get over that. :(

I don't honestly know why.

I haven't taken the adderall yet. It's literally sitting next to me. 30mg.

God...this sucks.