moon_light
01-14-2012, 02:46 AM
I'm so afraid of it rearing its ugly head when I go back to school. At home, I can just succumb in my room and it doesn't matter. Not at school.
At school, I'm on a floor with forty other people, in a building with 400 other people. All so close to me. We have the dining hall in our building, too, so plus probably two hundred people at any given time. And then out my window I can see another strew of buildings, all containing people who are close enough to shoot me through the window. All these people are trying to kill me.
Sometimes I have to lock myself in my room with the shades down, the lights off, and music blasting for hours to drown out the noise and the existence of everyone else. If I leave my room for any reason, my floor will immediately kill me. They are outside my room, talking, laughing, plotting the best way to kill me. Burn me beat me rape me. And the only thing I can do is stay inside my small room and try to be as small as possible, and wait for this nightmare to be over.
My medications help with my depression and anxiety, but not my paranoia. I guess the difference between my paranoia and anxiety is that my anxiety hits me out of nowhere and I am so, so afraid for no reason at all. I get a new email and I am immobile with fear. My favorite show isn't on and suddenly I need to throw up. My paranoia is very direct and always has malicious intent. Someone is always trying to kill me. My bones are poisoning me. I am going to die.
At school it gets so bad... I don't know what to do. It can be so embarrassing and so inhibiting. I feel like I can't function like everyone else. It strikes and all the sudden five hours of my day are gone. The rest of the day was only half there, though, cause I spent it either majorly anxious or majorly depressed.
Fuck. IDK the purpose of this post. How do you deal with your paranoia? I have no idea what to do.
At school, I'm on a floor with forty other people, in a building with 400 other people. All so close to me. We have the dining hall in our building, too, so plus probably two hundred people at any given time. And then out my window I can see another strew of buildings, all containing people who are close enough to shoot me through the window. All these people are trying to kill me.
Sometimes I have to lock myself in my room with the shades down, the lights off, and music blasting for hours to drown out the noise and the existence of everyone else. If I leave my room for any reason, my floor will immediately kill me. They are outside my room, talking, laughing, plotting the best way to kill me. Burn me beat me rape me. And the only thing I can do is stay inside my small room and try to be as small as possible, and wait for this nightmare to be over.
My medications help with my depression and anxiety, but not my paranoia. I guess the difference between my paranoia and anxiety is that my anxiety hits me out of nowhere and I am so, so afraid for no reason at all. I get a new email and I am immobile with fear. My favorite show isn't on and suddenly I need to throw up. My paranoia is very direct and always has malicious intent. Someone is always trying to kill me. My bones are poisoning me. I am going to die.
At school it gets so bad... I don't know what to do. It can be so embarrassing and so inhibiting. I feel like I can't function like everyone else. It strikes and all the sudden five hours of my day are gone. The rest of the day was only half there, though, cause I spent it either majorly anxious or majorly depressed.
Fuck. IDK the purpose of this post. How do you deal with your paranoia? I have no idea what to do.