AAAri
11-06-2011, 08:02 PM
So, this is long. The last paragraph is kind of the point, or whatever XD
I just moved out on my own this fall, and am going to college. I'm currently failing most of my classes, have no friends, a high rent and a very low paying job. I guess it feels like the whole world is crashing down, and I don't know what to do. I'm afraid to ask my mom for help, for a few reasons, I guess. One, is that every time I'm in trouble, it's all about scolding first, about the mistakes I made to get there, and two, my pride or something. I've just always been the gifted, successful, independent one of her children, and I'm embarrassed now that I can't handle life.
The only person in my life is my boyfriend. I have 3 roommates, but they don't speak with me, so I mostly sit in my room and watch TV. My boyfriend lives in another city, but he visits really often. He's really incredible, and he comes running to hold me whenever I need him, and I do understand that I'm incredibly lucky to have him, but at the same time, when he lives so far away, it would be nice is we were better at discussing things. We can talk for hours about video games or tv, or our hopes and dreams, but when it comes to what's troubling me now, I have no idea how to explain it, and he has no idea how to interpret it. When he comes to take care of me, it makes things temporarily better, but not permanently, and I still feel empty inside.
I guess mainly I just feel alone. I go to work, and then school, and then I'm in my room. If my boyfriend isn't here, I don't eat. I can't always make it to school because I don't have a car, but I don't know how to talk to people there to ask for help or make-up work, and my boyfriend doesn't like me giving or having phone numbers anyway.
Having only one person to depend on in my life has me growing increasingly fearful of his death. since he isn't very good at discussing these things, when I asked him today to help me comprehend what I would do if he passed today, he just said 'It won't happen, so just think about happy things.' I'm starting to freak out in everything either he or I does. I have trouble focusing, and my performance is suffering at work for fear of losing my job. This fear is unreasonable, since my job isn't nearly at risk, but I think it might be soon if I keep screwing up, especially since I was out a few times recently after passing out due to not being able to afford food.
I spend most of my day not at work or school either sleeping or crying. My boyfriend tries to make jokes to make me happy, which works, but it doesn't help as much as a serious, long discussion might. I don't really understand how I'm feeling, or why I'm feeling this way, so I have very little ability to actually explain it. I guess I'm sad, and nervous, and scared, all the time.
I'm posting this because, I don't know. Probably just to say some things, maybe I thought typing it would help me understand myself.
I just moved out on my own this fall, and am going to college. I'm currently failing most of my classes, have no friends, a high rent and a very low paying job. I guess it feels like the whole world is crashing down, and I don't know what to do. I'm afraid to ask my mom for help, for a few reasons, I guess. One, is that every time I'm in trouble, it's all about scolding first, about the mistakes I made to get there, and two, my pride or something. I've just always been the gifted, successful, independent one of her children, and I'm embarrassed now that I can't handle life.
The only person in my life is my boyfriend. I have 3 roommates, but they don't speak with me, so I mostly sit in my room and watch TV. My boyfriend lives in another city, but he visits really often. He's really incredible, and he comes running to hold me whenever I need him, and I do understand that I'm incredibly lucky to have him, but at the same time, when he lives so far away, it would be nice is we were better at discussing things. We can talk for hours about video games or tv, or our hopes and dreams, but when it comes to what's troubling me now, I have no idea how to explain it, and he has no idea how to interpret it. When he comes to take care of me, it makes things temporarily better, but not permanently, and I still feel empty inside.
I guess mainly I just feel alone. I go to work, and then school, and then I'm in my room. If my boyfriend isn't here, I don't eat. I can't always make it to school because I don't have a car, but I don't know how to talk to people there to ask for help or make-up work, and my boyfriend doesn't like me giving or having phone numbers anyway.
Having only one person to depend on in my life has me growing increasingly fearful of his death. since he isn't very good at discussing these things, when I asked him today to help me comprehend what I would do if he passed today, he just said 'It won't happen, so just think about happy things.' I'm starting to freak out in everything either he or I does. I have trouble focusing, and my performance is suffering at work for fear of losing my job. This fear is unreasonable, since my job isn't nearly at risk, but I think it might be soon if I keep screwing up, especially since I was out a few times recently after passing out due to not being able to afford food.
I spend most of my day not at work or school either sleeping or crying. My boyfriend tries to make jokes to make me happy, which works, but it doesn't help as much as a serious, long discussion might. I don't really understand how I'm feeling, or why I'm feeling this way, so I have very little ability to actually explain it. I guess I'm sad, and nervous, and scared, all the time.
I'm posting this because, I don't know. Probably just to say some things, maybe I thought typing it would help me understand myself.