Help, advice needed ASAP

[Jacklinger]

I need relationship advice. I'm posting in this forum because it does relate to eating disorders and body image. After reading what many regulars have posted here, I feel that this is where I will get the best advice on how to proceed with my problem. Please read on. I am grateful for any feedback.

I play an online game called World of Warcraft. It's popular as online games go and you can meet and play with anyone in the country. It's a virtual world about the size of Rhode Island full of quests and monsters and the object is to guide your character through endless dangers while acquiring experience and goods that make you stronger. I play a hunter who commands a pet leopard called a moonstalker, named Kesh. She is gray with white specs.

A few months ago, I met a woman while hunting in the hills of a place called Desolace. She plays a priestess, a healer, and just began following me around without saying anything, but keeping me healed if I got hurt. It was actually very sweet. I bowed and thanked her and she began talking to me. She introduced herself and we began talking about ourselves in real life. She sent a picture of herself to me and I found her very attractive. She was slender and had the coveted female shape that so many seek.

Over the next few months. We met in the game and I would help her accomplish various quests. We would talk via text chat while playing and got to know each other fairly well. She sent more pictures and gave me her phone number but I put off calling her. At the time, I really wasn't interested in a long distance relationship, as I live in Los Angeles and she, in Texas. But I do like her. She's nice, warm, and suggested she might want to spend the night with me if we lived closer. I thought about how nice it might be to hold her.

A few days ago, we met on the alien landscape of Terrokar forest and she told me something that happened to her the day before that very much upset her. She has an overweight friend in real life that she's known for 4 years. She considers him her best friend and they spend a lot of time together. She had spoken of him before in warm terms; that he was sweet, kind, and funny. But the previous day, he tried to kiss her and confessed his love for her that he had been holding inside for a very long time. This, in her words “disgusted” her. She immediately blurted our that he was too fat and gross to love. He didn't take the rejection very well and yelled that she was cruel and shallow. “Shallow” was the more painful word as she cried about that one much more than “cruel.” She was very upset and wanted to meet me in real life as soon as possible to help her forget his unthinkable advances.

So here's the problem: I'm fat too; probably about the same size as the gentleman she knows, estimating by her stories of him. I've never told her this and she's never seen a picture of me. My body type never came up in the course of conversation. It did not seem important to her previously. While I had grown fond of her in the past few months, the story about her friend sent me reeling. I had not suspected she took fat so poorly. I have become a bit jaded towards her already and can sympathize with her friend, but I do still like her very much. She made me happy whenever she's with me in the game. And I catch myself thinking of her and looking at her picture while I'm at work.

So do I tell her? That the man she's grown close to these past few months is just another gross fatty? And then watch her implode and feel betrayed? Or do I lie and say that I'm just not interested in seeing her, at all, and try to dump her gently, while she is still very upset? Should I even care as much as I do? Should I just disappear and stop playing the game for a while? Any advice is welcome.

[bridget]

you ould always keep talking to her in the game loose some weight and just saying you are really busy and yes we must meet up soon but never set a time or place then when you feel ready you could meet up but you have to feel confident in yourself first hun x

[Jacklinger]

you ould always keep talking to her in the game loose some weight and just saying you are really busy and yes we must meet up soon but never set a time or place then when you feel ready you could meet up but you have to feel confident in yourself first hun x

I've thought about that, but I've so far not been able to lose weight permanently in 19 years of dieting. I would like to be able to tell her something in the next few days.

[monsterbirth]

I find that when you question what someone else will think about the truth, if you say it in dignified manner, state the truth, without any hint of doubt in your voice, the person will feel that questioning the truth or the nature of the truth is not even an option (for the most part).

So, in your case, I would tell her very unashamed, that you are also overweight, and let her react. Don't say it in a self-pitying way, because that will show her that you would accept her disgust.

You should be comfortable in your own body, and if not, you should be working to that state.

Good luck

[anonomousmia]

I think the only option here is to tell her. To be honest, if shes a nice person she will still be your friend, you seem to of been nothing but a good friend to her. And I can't see why she wants to meet up with someone off the internet so badly? Maybe she has confidence issues or something is wrong and she's holding back? When I'm going through lows with my ED I love attention and I get really needy, read below for my runescape scenario lol. She might be going through something like that?

Obviously I can only speculate, and I don't know either of you so its hard to judge. But I think you have to tell her. If anything she should feel a little embarrassed for never asking to see a picture of you before, because obviously this situation would of been avoided.

I actually had this problem a few months back. I was on runescape (judging your person I don't think I need to explain what that is!) and I got talking to this guy. he was really nice, such a sweetie. we hung around together on there, doing quests etc, and I even actually told him about my ED!! I never once said I wanted to meet up with him though, or sent him pics. anyway, then we added each other on fb and he was bigger than I expected. I still talk to him all the time and hes a great guy :-)

good luck xx

[Atalante]

how you look shouldnt change her opinions of you, youve managed to build a relationship without ever actually seeing each other

i was in a similar situation a couple of years ago, only the girl knew what i looked like. try using her as inspiration. every time you want to eat, think of her disgust and think, of how things will change when you are thinner.
good luck

[anonomousmia]

just replying after reading the last post. agree with the fact her opinions shouldn't change, but froms the sounds of it and the harsh reality is, they might.
i think the point is though. . . .you shouldn't have to remind yourself of her disgust and change for/because of her. Some one out there will love you for who your are, and if you want to change, it should be for you. Sounds cheesy lol but yeah thought I'd chuck in my 2 cents xx

[Vision Thing]

I find that when you question what someone else will think about the truth, if you say it in dignified manner, state the truth, without any hint of doubt in your voice, the person will feel that questioning the truth or the nature of the truth is not even an option (for the most part).

So, in your case, I would tell her very unashamed, that you are also overweight, and let her react. Don't say it in a self-pitying way, because that will show her that you would accept her disgust.

You should be comfortable in your own body, and if not, you should be working to that state.

Good luck


I think this also. Tell her how you are but don't allow her to use your weight as a tool against you.

[Jacklinger]

I really appreciate all the advice. So today I decided to tell her the truth.

I met with her online earlier today. And told her that I think it would be nice if we could get together. But she needed to know that I was fat, and had tried to lose weight for decades with no success. She didn't say anything for a long time. Then she asked exactly how fat I was. I told her my BMI, which is about 39, and is considered morbidly obese. I told her I've weighed about 285 pounds for most of my life.

She said, "Oh" and got quiet again. We played for about an hour. I've never played with her that long before without her constantly yacking happily about something. She didn't say anything.

When we were done. I asked if she still would like me to visit her, maybe early next year. She said, "No, it's ok." I pressed her for a 'why' and she said "I just don't want to be with someone like that, I'm sorry." Then she logged out, about an hour later, her character's name disappeared from my friend's list, which only happens if it's either been deleted or has moved to any number of different servers.

So I guess I'll never get to talk to her again. It really wasn't as painful as I thought it would be. I think you guys were right; that I should tell her the truth. But you can't force someone to like you even if you deserve to be liked. To be honest I was hoping for a better outcome. She does seem a bit cruel and shallow to base so much importance on someone's attractiveness, but, I can't bring myself to be mad at her. I still like her very much. She was a good friend.

Thought you guys would like to know that.

Thanks again for helping.

[Vision Thing]

Yeah, you're right. You are a far better person because you were able to maturely tell her your story, and it is her issues with acceptance that leave her the less dignified in this situation.

[lovebexs]

you did the right thing :]
she acted very shallow. honestly, i'm sure you could do better. your posts are all very articulate and intelligent and the fact that all the could muster to say was "oh" shows how vapid she is. also, you do deserve somebody, even if you're overweight! my next-door neighbor at my country house is one of the loveliest people i know, and he is obese along with his wife. they have two children and they're a really sweet, happy family. so don't despair, there really is somebody for everybody <3

[Cinderellinger]

Wow, I really admire you for what you did...I hope I can be that confident someday...

[Jacklinger]

you did the right thing :]
she acted very shallow. honestly, i'm sure you could do better. your posts are all very articulate and intelligent and the fact that all the could muster to say was "oh" shows how vapid she is. also, you do deserve somebody, even if you're overweight! my next-door neighbor at my country house is one of the loveliest people i know, and he is obese along with his wife. they have two children and they're a really sweet, happy family. so don't despair, there really is somebody for everybody <3


Wow, I really admire you for what you did...I hope I can be that confident someday...

Such kindness. Thank you.

[never_skinny]

What a bitch. You're better off without someone like that.

I hope you find somebody better soon :)

[Sapphire]

sorry to hear all of this and a little late at that.

its true, if someone is so trivial about looks, they are not worth your time or feelings.

you will find someone who loves you for you.

i got kinda close to someone playing everquest some yrs ago and he sent me a pic and he looked buzzed and had a beer in his hand. that was the end of that. had nothing to do with looks but i dont have anything to do with guys who drink any more. my husband doesnt drink, not even a little...

i never got close to anyone after that in the gaming world... just seemed like a bad idea. too many unknowns on both sides.

if a girl decided she didnt like you because your overweight... that shows you how much she really did or didnt like you right there and what she bases relationships on. your better off without her.

[~butterfly~]

Wow, I really admire you for what you did...I hope I can be that confident someday...
These are my thoughts exactly. From your posts, you're nice and intelligent sounding, and I think you can absolutely to better than her. That's so shallow of her!

Sadly, my mom's like this as well :( She's prejudice against fat people. Actually, not even people who are overweight. More like people even semi-not skinny... (one of the reasons I'm trying to dwindle myself down to nothing I guess...) Which is why I'm going to tell you to forget about her and how mean she was, because if she lets something like that get in the way of at least, at the smallest bit, your friendship, then she probably didn't deserve your love anyway.

Hope tomorrow's a better day.

[Jacklinger]

These are my thoughts exactly. From your posts, you're nice and intelligent sounding, and I think you can absolutely to better than her. That's so shallow of her!

Sadly, my mom's like this as well :( She's prejudice against fat people. Actually, not even people who are overweight. More like people even semi-not skinny... (one of the reasons I'm trying to dwindle myself down to nothing I guess...) Which is why I'm going to tell you to forget about her and how mean she was, because if she lets something like that get in the way of at least, at the smallest bit, your friendship, then she probably didn't deserve your love anyway.

Hope tomorrow's a better day.

Thank you, butterfly.

I do miss her though. She really wasn't a bad person except for that one dumb flaw. I don't really fault her for it, because, it would feel like calling someone with a bat-phobia, shallow. I think she just has an exo-fat-phobia, a fear of fat on other people, and it's hard to be mad. I hope she can get over it one day; what if her little girl gains weight?? I don't think I mentioned she had a 5 yr old, but if she gains weight that could be... alot like your situation, wouldn't it?

[~butterfly~]

I don't think I mentioned she had a 5 yr old, but if she gains weight that could be... alot like your situation, wouldn't it?
Yeah, that could be a lot like my situation. I would feel pain for that little girl, it'd be so terrible. I think someone's signiture expresses my feelings. it says "every little girl deserves to be called pretty".