lepeep37
08-09-2011, 01:06 PM
I thought perhaps we could use this thread to describe other bingeing behaviors so that rereading it discourage us and others from wanting to continue to do it...
My binges stem from the depression I feel due to being divorced, very chronically ill, knowing that I'm about to have full dentures at 26 years old, having no job or friends IRL, not being able to drive..ect. My life is just a complete wash.
I used to be a restrictive Ana because, aside from wanting to feel "pretty" or "skinny" like most do, counting calories was fascinating, and it distracted me from loneliness. Three years later, I'm severely ill and have since gone the opposite way into compulsive overeating...
When I feel rejected and unwanted by people online, or I obsess over my divorce and the fact that I'm suffering from such severe periodontal disease (that may never be cured), and also since I have nothing to do and no purpose to motivate me not to, I binge. Food gives me that joy I lack, but my body suffers for that.
I'll go into the kitchen with a ravenous hunger (whether sheerly emotional or otherwise) and find all my favorite foods or what I've craving and serve myself the largest portions of eat that I can fit on a plate. I'll get my food and drinks (water and almond milk) and set all of them on my rolling cart and bring them into my bedroom where I sit perched on (what was once my marital bed) in front of the tv, eating everything I've gathered up as quickly as I can swallow it, only half-listening to whatever show is on.
I start to panic whenever I notice that my dishes are becoming empty, so I feel compelled to get even more food, and often do. As soon as I've finished all of the food I can find to eat, I feel incredibly nauseous and have acid indigestion, gas and bloating. All the while I wait in fear of whether or not I might feel sick enough that I'd actually throw up from overeating, and I hate that feeling..even still almost considering how soon I can eat again despite the waves of sickness I feel. I know that this is because my small frame can only truly hold about a cup and a half of food at a time, but my greediness prevails.
The emotional and mental anticipation of the taste of food haunts me constantly, and I can barely stand it when I'm not eating..thinking about the next meal is euphoric. I can also hardly wait as I prepare meals because I feel compelled to eat as I go along.
The irony of all this is that I only weigh 70 lbs. at 5' tall, but the only reason for that aside from my restrictive anorexia is that I have a severe fungal illness that causes me to have mal-aborption syndrome, otherwise, I'd likely be extremely overweight. The idea that the foods I'm uncontrollably bingeing on are just making me even more infected with systemic candida and worsening my tooth decay simply takes no precedence over the temporary ecstasy of overeating..but I wish I could find the switch to shut off that need. Within a few months, I'll only be able to eat pureed food courtesy of having dentures, anyhow. Truly fml.
My binges stem from the depression I feel due to being divorced, very chronically ill, knowing that I'm about to have full dentures at 26 years old, having no job or friends IRL, not being able to drive..ect. My life is just a complete wash.
I used to be a restrictive Ana because, aside from wanting to feel "pretty" or "skinny" like most do, counting calories was fascinating, and it distracted me from loneliness. Three years later, I'm severely ill and have since gone the opposite way into compulsive overeating...
When I feel rejected and unwanted by people online, or I obsess over my divorce and the fact that I'm suffering from such severe periodontal disease (that may never be cured), and also since I have nothing to do and no purpose to motivate me not to, I binge. Food gives me that joy I lack, but my body suffers for that.
I'll go into the kitchen with a ravenous hunger (whether sheerly emotional or otherwise) and find all my favorite foods or what I've craving and serve myself the largest portions of eat that I can fit on a plate. I'll get my food and drinks (water and almond milk) and set all of them on my rolling cart and bring them into my bedroom where I sit perched on (what was once my marital bed) in front of the tv, eating everything I've gathered up as quickly as I can swallow it, only half-listening to whatever show is on.
I start to panic whenever I notice that my dishes are becoming empty, so I feel compelled to get even more food, and often do. As soon as I've finished all of the food I can find to eat, I feel incredibly nauseous and have acid indigestion, gas and bloating. All the while I wait in fear of whether or not I might feel sick enough that I'd actually throw up from overeating, and I hate that feeling..even still almost considering how soon I can eat again despite the waves of sickness I feel. I know that this is because my small frame can only truly hold about a cup and a half of food at a time, but my greediness prevails.
The emotional and mental anticipation of the taste of food haunts me constantly, and I can barely stand it when I'm not eating..thinking about the next meal is euphoric. I can also hardly wait as I prepare meals because I feel compelled to eat as I go along.
The irony of all this is that I only weigh 70 lbs. at 5' tall, but the only reason for that aside from my restrictive anorexia is that I have a severe fungal illness that causes me to have mal-aborption syndrome, otherwise, I'd likely be extremely overweight. The idea that the foods I'm uncontrollably bingeing on are just making me even more infected with systemic candida and worsening my tooth decay simply takes no precedence over the temporary ecstasy of overeating..but I wish I could find the switch to shut off that need. Within a few months, I'll only be able to eat pureed food courtesy of having dentures, anyhow. Truly fml.