anonomousmia
10-20-2009, 09:58 AM
ok, so I've had bulmia for just over a year now, and suffered from depression (and self harm) in Jan/Feb. But since then the depression went away but then came back again at the start of summer but then I felt ok again. The bulimia even got a little better as I'd have a day or two off from purging each week.
But now I cry every day. I binge and purge everyday, not even cuz I crave it and need to, because I just do. I'm miserable again, and I'm hating myself. I've came so close to self harming again as well, to the point where I've pretended to have a razor in my hand and pretended to cut myself. I've moved my razor into my bedroom so it's there just incase I need.
But I really don't want to go back to that point in my life. I call it my 'dark period' but I don't know what I can do. I can't talk to anyone about anyone this because I think I sound crazy/weird and I hate saying it out loud because it makes it more true? . . .
I failed my degree because of all this last year, but they understood and are letting me take my final year again. My Dad wanted me to take a year out, so I could 'sort my head out' but I didn't and now I'm so scared things will get out of control again and I will fail.
I don't know if things have got this bad because my bf (who I really loved) broke up with me almost 2 weeks ago, and I realised I'm alone, in the respect the people I talked to last year, have moved home. dfnqrejgh eqjfkggnkjfjn!!!!! that's how I feel. Just want to scream and break things.
EDIT 1hr later: . . .ARRRRRGGGGGHHHH!! after purging I ate 2 hotdogs!!. . .which i find reali hard to purge and rents are in so i cant purge neway!. . .just cut myself, I can't deal with this shit nemore, in tears again, took a photo of my leg ( I cut the v. top of my leg so no1 will eva see as I've been caught out with it on my arms and its v. hard to cover there) but I'm lying here really enjoying the pain and stinging. I sound like I'm mental, lost the plot. I've never told anyone bout my self harm except one person found out because my long length glove came down once and they saw.
But now I cry every day. I binge and purge everyday, not even cuz I crave it and need to, because I just do. I'm miserable again, and I'm hating myself. I've came so close to self harming again as well, to the point where I've pretended to have a razor in my hand and pretended to cut myself. I've moved my razor into my bedroom so it's there just incase I need.
But I really don't want to go back to that point in my life. I call it my 'dark period' but I don't know what I can do. I can't talk to anyone about anyone this because I think I sound crazy/weird and I hate saying it out loud because it makes it more true? . . .
I failed my degree because of all this last year, but they understood and are letting me take my final year again. My Dad wanted me to take a year out, so I could 'sort my head out' but I didn't and now I'm so scared things will get out of control again and I will fail.
I don't know if things have got this bad because my bf (who I really loved) broke up with me almost 2 weeks ago, and I realised I'm alone, in the respect the people I talked to last year, have moved home. dfnqrejgh eqjfkggnkjfjn!!!!! that's how I feel. Just want to scream and break things.
EDIT 1hr later: . . .ARRRRRGGGGGHHHH!! after purging I ate 2 hotdogs!!. . .which i find reali hard to purge and rents are in so i cant purge neway!. . .just cut myself, I can't deal with this shit nemore, in tears again, took a photo of my leg ( I cut the v. top of my leg so no1 will eva see as I've been caught out with it on my arms and its v. hard to cover there) but I'm lying here really enjoying the pain and stinging. I sound like I'm mental, lost the plot. I've never told anyone bout my self harm except one person found out because my long length glove came down once and they saw.