Cant do this anymore :(

[Jennie]

I'm going out of my mind!

One year ago I had a bmi of 15. I was anorexic, I actually ate alot, but super healthy and never gained weight. I tried to put on weight but my fear of too many calories always got in the way. When I finally broke out of it and managed to keep eating after a day with more calories I actually thought this summer was finally going to be a good one... It went good for a while and I started to exercise to get fit while gaining.

But suddenly, ofcourse, I started bingeing. Since Ive been bulimic before I stayed away from the toilet but when my weight got to 53 kilos (Im from europe) and the bingeing just kept on I started to purge. I binge every f'ing day now, Im ALWAYS craving and ALWAYS giving in, like 3 years of restricting is punishing me real bad. I keep on doing it, and strangely I always think I can get rid everything after, but when I try almost NOTHING comes up. Not even close to one third of it... We're talking about hardcore binges with like 3000 + calories or more. The baddest days Ive been up to like 9000 calories!!

Ive gained like 30 kilos soon (60ish lbs) since my lw and Im seriously panicking. Im getting suicidal, cant show myself at the gym anymore, dont wanna be out with friends or do anything. Im staying home all day, wishing I could just loose like 30 punds in a week. Ive gotten so fat now, and I cant stop even though I try.. I seriously cant gain more weight now! I always tell myself this is the last day, but in the next day or the day after Im at it again :(

Today Ive already ate like 4000 - 5000 calories or something. Tomorrow Im not eating anything at all. I dont know what to do anymore. Sorry for long ramblings here, but I seriously dont know any other place I can share it.

[snowball]

i'm in the same place, i've gained sooo much weight since last year. but i promise you that if you start fasting, you will just end up in a binge/starve cycle for a long time. what helps me is to plan my intake, and if you can try to eat 1000+ calories, that would be even better because you are less likely to binge. another tip is to stuff yourself with healthy foods so that you won't crave the binge. take oatmeal for instance, it's very filling but also so healthy for you. veggies are also super filling and low calorie.

i just urge you not to stop eating. it will bite you in the ass.
good luck to us xx

[m!lk]

:/ ah hun, I had this problem.
SO awful. It's best to accept the weight gain.
If you need to go on a break from the gym or seeing your friends or whatever, fine! I can definitely relate to that feeling "I DO NOT WANT ANYONE IN THE WORLD TO SEE ME". Just know that isolation makes fasting/restricting easier, but also makes bingeing easy too.
It's s awful to gain so much so fast, and I think to go from AN to overeating, is just a complete HEADFUCK.
Okay, don't do anything stupid, this isn't unchangeable, weight can be lost and this can be temporary. There is a LIFE out there, worth fighting for!
Fasting is a so tempting, but it's also a fools game, ask anyone with BED/COE. The shit will hit the fan! It just will, it's not a reflection on anyones capability to fast.
I recommend eating a healthy balanced diet for a week or so, lets say, maintenance calories, but being strict when it comes to sticking with the plan. Set meals, set times.. no more. go out and do something, go for a walk, whatever, just get out of the house if you feel like bingeing, and do not take money!
Then once you have got out of the cycle, if you want to lose weight. Diet/restrict. When you do this, keep your protein intake up. Protein keeps us full & lessens cravings for junk. I did low carb/high fat and lost about 4lbs a week. I have also been anorexic, went from bmi 10, to bmi 28 in 2yrs. Current bmi, 24 after a huge slip up with BED, did get to 22 2weeks ago but binged big time, too much stress going on. So I completely get where you are coming from. I just have to warn you off the fasting, because it will result in even more depression & desperation, when you binge more.
:) Hope this helps, PM me whenever, I'm quite friendly :P just tired and to the point atm.
Good Luck

[Jennie]

Thank you both so so so much for taking the time to reply :) It really helps! I just feel SO embarrassed for it. People at the gym (and everyone else who I always kept bumping into when I was really underweight that always stared) have seen me from a bmi of 15 or something to where i am now (24 i think? dont wanna know) and since its been such short time people must know somethings up. Or at least they really stare sometimes when I actually see them randomly when I actually DO get out of the house. . I hate it so much! Can only imagen what they are thinking.....

And I cant stand my own body, which makes everything worse. I find myself crying when I try to leave the house, every single time, because Im so stupid and conceited or something. Even that makes me feel stupid. I cant even try on clothes or show myself outside cause of the way I look. How stupid isnt that?

But I know fasting doesnt help. I just always end up thinking about a quick-fix, and fasting always sounds good. Never works for me anymore though. I guess I should just try to eat to maintain like you said for a while first, I really do think its the best. Still I just hate everything, and especially food, that i just wanna torture myself. But hey, I cant even do that!

Thanks for the tips, and for your comments :) Im sorry if this reply was even more worse than the actual post, Im so tired right now. :)

[LittleFoot]

Consider therapy. No joke. That's not to offend you, but this is a mental problem, not a physical one.

[mochroi8]

Consider therapy. No joke. That's not to offend you, but this is a mental problem, not a physical one.

I agree 100%. A similar thing happened to me- I gained 16kg in less than three months through binging. I started to see a psychologist a couple of months ago, and simply knowing you are doing something for yourself helps. But I will admit, I binged more than ever even then- because I was keeping things from her, saying I was trying to eat balanced meals, but all the while thinking, "Nope, I'm going to fast for a week and then restrict for a month." Because of that, the binging got much, much worse before it started getting better, and I even started purging. Bad move.

But I can honestly say now that I am getting better. My psychologist suggested going on antidepressants for a while, and it's helped me so much with my body image and self-esteem, and consequently the binging/restricting. It's so much easier to resist a binge if you know you don't have to starve the next day to compensate.

And I totally understand how it feels to dread leaving the house because of weight gain- it's the most liberating thing in the world to be free of that. Honestly, go and see someone. Being able to focus on life beyond weight is worth it, and you are so, SO much more than your BMI, your stats, your cravings, your "mistakes".

You can do this. Setting realistic goals and loving yourself enough to get help requires a lot of strength and courage, but you have it in you, I promise xx

[Jennie]

I started going back into therapy like 7 months ago or something.. It hasnt helped me at all. Its only gotten worse.. Therapy never helped me when I was anorexic either...

[alm0ndmilk]

It really is a mental thing. It's all in your head, and the results of your thoughts show themselves physically.

I really wish there was a quick fix or a solid answer to this, because I go through this too, even sometimes when I'm eating healthy, 1000+ calories, something just makes me want more, even when I'm not hungry at all.