ladyg
07-11-2011, 12:13 PM
I don't know how to explain this, but I'm so unhappy with myself I feel sick OF myself physically and emotionally. At this point I don't feel well anymore of nothing more than being awake. My body aches, stomach hurts, head is heavy and all I want to do is either eat or sleep.
I hate being in my own skin. I hate how my life has turned out. I hate how much weight I've gained and how I can't seem to drop it off and how I feel that no one will ever love me or find me attractive again because of it. I hate that I'm struggling just to go to school and get a degree I can get a real, decent paying job in because I don't have support from my parents - or anyone really - paying for or at least getting loans for school. I hate that I have no money, that I have credit card debt because I don't make enough money to live on my own but I have to. I hate that I don't like hanging with my friends because they want to go out and spend money and EAT and I don't want to do any of those things because I'm poor and so self conscious. And though I don't hate my pet, I kind of hate that she's the only thing I look forward to and the only reason I see worth coming home every day and not just jumping in front of a damn train on my way to work so I don't have to deal with hating everything so much. I also hate that I was on medication for depression and anxiety which has been ongoing for as long as I can remember but had to stop cold turkey because I couldn't afford it or the doctor's visits anymore not having health insurance. I hate how people tell me things will get better, things aren't that bad, but they never get better, and they seem so bad.
I have a love/hate relationship with food, I'm sure a good amount of you know about that, and right now it's running my life as well as ruining it. I wish I could find happiness somehow, but after the same shit has been continuously happening and disappointing me since 2008 now with no hope of getting better I don't know what to do. All I can say is if it weren't for my love of my beloved little pet at home to go to I would definitely make an effort to wait for a train one of these mornings or get a gun or something. I'm so done with being disappointed and with working so hard and seeing nothing but failure and feeling so much shame and regret.
I know I'm not the only one who feels this way. I don't know what I'm trying to get out of this post, I guess I'm just hoping it feels better to vent and hear other people vent that won't judge and/or suggest I should take meds (ha) or enroll myself at an institution to get professional help.
I hate being in my own skin. I hate how my life has turned out. I hate how much weight I've gained and how I can't seem to drop it off and how I feel that no one will ever love me or find me attractive again because of it. I hate that I'm struggling just to go to school and get a degree I can get a real, decent paying job in because I don't have support from my parents - or anyone really - paying for or at least getting loans for school. I hate that I have no money, that I have credit card debt because I don't make enough money to live on my own but I have to. I hate that I don't like hanging with my friends because they want to go out and spend money and EAT and I don't want to do any of those things because I'm poor and so self conscious. And though I don't hate my pet, I kind of hate that she's the only thing I look forward to and the only reason I see worth coming home every day and not just jumping in front of a damn train on my way to work so I don't have to deal with hating everything so much. I also hate that I was on medication for depression and anxiety which has been ongoing for as long as I can remember but had to stop cold turkey because I couldn't afford it or the doctor's visits anymore not having health insurance. I hate how people tell me things will get better, things aren't that bad, but they never get better, and they seem so bad.
I have a love/hate relationship with food, I'm sure a good amount of you know about that, and right now it's running my life as well as ruining it. I wish I could find happiness somehow, but after the same shit has been continuously happening and disappointing me since 2008 now with no hope of getting better I don't know what to do. All I can say is if it weren't for my love of my beloved little pet at home to go to I would definitely make an effort to wait for a train one of these mornings or get a gun or something. I'm so done with being disappointed and with working so hard and seeing nothing but failure and feeling so much shame and regret.
I know I'm not the only one who feels this way. I don't know what I'm trying to get out of this post, I guess I'm just hoping it feels better to vent and hear other people vent that won't judge and/or suggest I should take meds (ha) or enroll myself at an institution to get professional help.