I don't want to die but I'm losing the will to live.

[angie]

There is nothing of substance to me as a human being. I am empty inside and I dread waking up in the morning. I fantasize about my death all the time. Slipping in the shower, or on the icy porch, choking on purge or having a heart attack from electrolyte imbalance. Sometimes I even imagine having some stranger pick me off the street and murdering me.

If I kill myself I will hurt my family and best friend. They are all I live for. I cannot put the guilt of my suicide on their shoulders. I can't tell my therapist because she'll tell my parents and they will get all upset and yell and scream. I can't blame them. I did it once and I'll never do it again.

Every day gets worse and worse. They always say it gets better but it never does. There is always something new and it just gets progressively shittier to deal with. I'm running out of options. I just want to crawl into bed and never come out.

[apple(a)day]

my gahh I feel you to the T of that post. I feel like soo fuckin empty, worhtless and pathetic inside. I have no motivation to do anything. None of my family know about any of the shit thats taken over me and i couldnt bear to hurt them by actually killing myself.

but I want to... soo bad .. I fantasize just slittting my wrists and pretending to go to sleep itd be perfect, my roommate knows I sleep a lot anyways. Or if i got raped and murdered by some thugs. Or planning out this elaborate suicide that I ditch my car, i.d. etc, and just kill my myself in some secluded cave in my wilderness so I wn't be found for a while and they can't i.d me either

idk the only reason i'm holding off is for my family and b/c im a virgin and figured I should at least have sex before i die... and i once gave my bestie advice one he was highly suicidal that things are bound to get better and just give it some time.. so I'd be a hypocryte if I didn't take my own advice esp., since he's all happy now smoking weed everyday at the biggest party school.

I wish i had some drugs or liquor it does tmemporarily help with the emptiness but sometimes makes it worse too.

yeahh sorry for rambling on and on but hey hopefully it was a momentary distraction for you so you aren't thinking of offing yourself every moment of the day... lol

I know everyone says this but idk I still belive that its bound to get better..hell hopefully it's bound to.. if i make it to 21, im completely on my own and its still not better.. then you better believe after I destroy myself with drugs, booze and b/p galore that I will kill myself and not give a rats ass. to anyone or anything that gets in my way...

looking forward to that day... sorry if this didnt help.. but just try to keep going you know? when you stop thinking about shit and jsut not care anymore, usually something good happens that pulls your spirits up. usually

<3----- marsh

[l3abee]

Wow sharing my story over the internet yikes ok not something I generally want to do. I don't know if this will mean anything to you or help you to press on but I hope it does.

Ok so I was at one stage in a similar but different position from what I can understand from your story. What I mean is that my circumstances were totally different yet the feelings were the same.

I was lucky and this is coming from someone who believed I was born to fail and even now I still have to tell myself that that is a lie I am buying into. I've struggled with an ED for a few years and just over 1 year now I freaked out at putting on weight as I had just completed my first major binge without the ability to purge, so in a desperate state and I mean desperate I felt completely worthless, nothing was going right in my life I have a judgemental family who I hated, and only a few friends most of whom were talking behind my back about how "messed up" I was.

I am missing some info on how I acquired the amount of drugs I had on me but I swallowed 120+ pills. I didn't think this at the time but I was lucky someone found me on the side of a loading dock and rang the police and ambulance. I went through 14 hours of hell, you know the feeling you get for 2-3 seconds just before you throw up? That's what I had 14 straight hours of it.

When I arrived at hospital the nurse said "I'm going to give it to you straight, within 45 minutes you'll be in a-coma and within 2 hours you will be dead, so who do you want us to call?" At this stage I believed in God not that I was a strong Christian but I had faith that he existed. I remember calmly praying and as I laid there I said "God if I live it will be for the sole reason that i have a future and in some way my life was not a mistake."

I came out of hospital 1 week later with no sign at all of any organ damage. Even today things can get hard but I know when I look toward a bigger picture than my circumstances I see hope.

[angie]

Wow sharing my story over the internet yikes ok not something I generally want to do. I don't know if this will mean anything to you or help you to press on but I hope it does.

Ok so I was at one stage in a similar but different position from what I can understand from your story. What I mean is that my circumstances were totally different yet the feelings were the same.

I was lucky and this is coming from someone who believed I was born to fail and even now I still have to tell myself that that is a lie I am buying into. I've struggled with an ED for a few years and just over 1 year now I freaked out at putting on weight as I had just completed my first major binge without the ability to purge, so in a desperate state and I mean desperate I felt completely worthless, nothing was going right in my life I have a judgemental family who I hated, and only a few friends most of whom were talking behind my back about how "messed up" I was.

I am missing some info on how I acquired the amount of drugs I had on me but I swallowed 120+ pills. I didn't think this at the time but I was lucky someone found me on the side of a loading dock and rang the police and ambulance. I went through 14 hours of hell, you know the feeling you get for 2-3 seconds just before you throw up? That's what I had 14 straight hours of it.

When I arrived at hospital the nurse said "I'm going to give it to you straight, within 45 minutes you'll be in a-coma and within 2 hours you will be dead, so who do you want us to call?" At this stage I believed in God not that I was a strong Christian but I had faith that he existed. I remember calmly praying and as I laid there I said "God if I live it will be for the sole reason that i have a future and in some way my life was not a mistake."

I came out of hospital 1 week later with no sign at all of any organ damage. Even today things can get hard but I know when I look toward a bigger picture than my circumstances I see hope.

Wow. That is really amazing. I'm speechless.

[Sophia113]

This happens to me SO much... All I can say is pick something to live for, and just stick to it obsessively, make it your everything.

[angie]

This happens to me SO much... All I can say is pick something to live for, and just stick to it obsessively, make it your everything.

I did that. He left.

[Sophia113]

(((hugs)))

I do that too much as well. :(
It's really better to chose a thing instead of a person. I'm really sorry though, that's really hard

[angie]

(((hugs)))

I do that too much as well. :(
It's really better to chose a thing instead of a person. I'm really sorry though, that's really hard

Sigh. Its a long confusing story. I've written alot about him under sex and relationships. It's affected every aspect of my life.

[Arcadia]

Every day gets worse and worse. They always say it gets better but it never does. There is always something new and it just gets progressively shittier to deal with. I'm running out of options. I just want to crawl into bed and never come out.

Been there, done that.. As someone said to me by then: it can only get better, not worse than this.

I hope all of those thought will let you go, be strong and try to find a light in life! xxx

[angie]

Been there, done that.. As someone said to me by then: it can only get better, not worse than this.

I hope all of those thought will let you go, be strong and try to find a light in life! xxx

Thank you for your kindness. :)

[Spirit]

I don't know how I'm writing right now when I'm crying as I type it's hard to breath I used to be so strong but not know more I want to die but then I'm bull shiting myself because I know I want to live But not like this why can't life be for ever with the ones we love and call our family's ? My story is no different I'm just another voice that's soon will be forgotten because of Time it self I just want to scream out to god scream Help Me Forgive me I lost everything that helps me to live I just have my tears and my hope with week faith 33 year old and most of my time in life was always hard and painful and scary even to now I do pray but the one thing I ask of him He can't not even do because he gave us option to do or not do at free will .. Free will only comes from us not even god can help so praying for help to be loved again from the ones you love there no prayer you can really mean it from your heart and soul god can't help on this one it dose not stop there because if things do get better in time we all die that means you can't touch or talk to the ones you love no more all we have is the doing to live each day like it was our last and it's not good enough I would love to live for ever with my wife and my kids and the family we make but we can't my wife stop loving me my kids are having fun and smiling with out me. I'm in so much pain and my wife just leave me to fall I'm at a moment in my life that I need my family I'm scared because I did die but lucky for me the Dr. Brong me back to life I got hit by a 18 wheeler truck when I was on my motorcycle going home and things with my wife and I was falling apart as well I'm sorry I just can't write anymore for now I'm not sure if I'm making any sence or doing the right thing

[Solbii]

Every day gets worse and worse. They always say it gets better but it never does. There is always something new and it just gets progressively shittier to deal with. I'm running out of options. I just want to crawl into bed and never come out.

I feel the same, and it sucks. Honestly, I don't know what to do anymore. If I could, I'd stay in bed all day, but then I get a headache, and I have to get out. At least, dreamland is way better than the real world.
I constantly think about suicide but I can't do it. I feel like I don't have enough reasons to do something like that. And I'd hurt my mom, and my best friend (if she still cares...). I always think about cutting my wrist on the bath tube, but I don't have one. I just have a crappy shower.

[notrepetitsecret]

I have the exact same feeling as you. I'm just so tired of life. I'm tired of my minding never relaxing, always thinking a thousand thoughts at the same time, feeling numb but in a way over-emotional at the same time.
Last weekend I almost did it. I was home alone all weekend so it was the perfect time to do it. I had two jars of pills (one with sleeping pills, one with some kind of antidepressant) and a bottle of vodka, but I just couldn't do it because I knew how devastated it would make my family and friends. I've almost put everyone before me and I just bare to die knowing that I would be causing the ones I love so much pain, even though it's what I want the most right now.
Everyday I think about how I could die "accidently". I've stopped looking for cars when passing a street in hopes that a car might run me over and kill me - I think, that in that way it wouldn't be my fault, it would've just been a sad accident and then I wouldn't feel so guilty. I don't know.. I just want to end this misery...

[notrepetitsecret]

I feel the same, and it sucks. Honestly, I don't know what to do anymore. If I could, I'd stay in bed all day, but then I get a headache, and I have to get out. At least, dreamland is way better than the real world.
I constantly think about suicide but I can't do it. I feel like I don't have enough reasons to do something like that. And I'd hurt my mom, and my best friend (if she still cares...).

I just wanted to tell how much this sounds like me, it's almost scary! I've tried just not bothering getting up in the morning and just hiding away from the "real" world by staying in bed, but somehow it never really works out. I just want to stay there, but like you I have to get up at some point because I get a headache or something.
Oh, and yeah I don't think my best friend cares anymore either; she'll probably just be more happy with me gone, so she doesn't have to be bothered by all my problems..

[foreverhopeful]

When my mom died and all my siblings were separated out to live with different aunts and uncles all over the country, I began to feel like that. I started thinking nobody cared, I started thinking it would be easier on my aunt and uncle if they didn't have to worry about me and they wouldn't have the extra burden of another person living with them, I started thinking that I should have died instead of my parents... I wrote letters to my siblings and aunt and uncle and hid them in my closet... I started imagine death in different situations as well, like either freak accidents, or unfortunate circumstances, or anything of that sort. At the same time I was considering running away, because once in while I would imagine some awesome life that people live, like surfing on an island and away from the 'real' world... So really I'm not sure what changed, I guess me beginning to seriously consider running away, and then seeing the practical aspect of it, how it wouldn't work out unless I worked, and saved money, (which is what I started doing) and that helped me hold on and live on.

During that time I prayed to God and didn't seem to 'have an answer', but really we all must hold on. Life isn't supposed to be easy. The easy part is to give up. We need to strive for something greater; it's the journey and the process itself that counts.

[päivi]

Every day gets worse and worse. They always say it gets better but it never does. There is always something new and it just gets progressively shittier to deal with. I'm running out of options. I just want to crawl into bed and never come out.

I hope you'll believe me if I tell you that I feel much the same way. I have nothing to live for: My family isn't there for me, I have no friends, no hobbies, I suck at university, I will end up fat and unemployed and a lost cause. So why not end it now? I thought about it countless times, I was inches away from ending it. But I don't do it because I don't want to draw any attention to myself, I don't want to make such a "pompous" leave. I feel like in life I was a zero, so why should my death matter? I don't want to make people sad or concerned or even to get them to think of me. I just want to fade away, slowly, because I'm so sure that nobody will care, why should I make them care? If you gave me a button that I could push and that would make me vanish, believe me, 99 % of the time I would do it without giving it a second thought.
I really don't know what to tell you, because I also feel like it doesn't get better. But the thing is, even if your life doesn't improve as a whole, there are those tiny moments in eveyones' lives that are worth it. I sincerely believe in it. Those moments when you are so happy that you don't think of anything. For me, that's jumping into the sea. Walking home from a party on a summer morning and seeing the sun rise. Buying anything you fall in love with in a shop....I dunno...
OMG, I sound cheesy, I didn't want to. I hope I could get across what I meant to tell you. I just believe thinking "it all gets better" is futile. I will never be able to eat all I want and not be fat. I will always have to go out and meet new people. I will always have to get up in the morning and go someplace, school, work, whereever. You can't make these things go away. But you can learn to cope with them.
I so wish you that you'll feel better one day about yourself and your life. This is no way to spend your life. I hope, hope, hope that it gets better for you, because you deserve it, what with the concern you show for the people around you.